I Want To Be...

Sometimes I think our hearts just overflow with a crying out to God that cant be put into words so it has to come out in a feeling. For me, it’s a swelling in my chest. I literally feel like my heart is growing. When I breathe in I feel the pressure and when I breathe out I feel the pain. However, its not a bad pain. It’s more of a ‘There is so  much I want to communicate that I don't know how to express." I rarely feel like I have the right words, but I always try anyway.

“God there is so much I want to be. So much I want to understand and accomplish in your name and for your glory. There are so many people close to my heart who are hurting. There are so many people around me that need someone to pay attention to them. There are so many people that I have a burden for. I want to be that person who is so crazy about you that other people take a closer look. I want to be like Noah, I want to be found righteous. I want to be like Abraham, I want to drop it all and go at the sound of your voice. I want to be like Moses-torn between two cultures, yet having been brought through circumstances with a divine purpose to impact an entire nation. I want to be like Esther, unwavering in her faith even when she was overtaken with fear, discerning enough to work within the political and social system of her situation in order to save her people and glorify her God. I want to be like Joseph, not afraid to speak about the visions you have given and the prophecies you have laid out. I want to be like Daniel, so devoted to seeking your kingdom that it threatened to outshine every other kingdom put together on earth.

I want to have an impact, I want to leave a mark, I want to not just create ripples in the ocean that is Mobile, Al, but to take the cannon-ball approach so that everyone and anyone who is around me is left soaking wet with the water that is your Holy Spirit. I want to love you without hesitation, for no reasons of my own, no selfish intentions. I want to see deeper than what most people see, I want to see how things really correlate and work together. I want to know your word, in such a way that it is the very core fiber of my daily existence. I want to KNOW your voice. I want it to be the thing that makes my heart leap within me. I want to be a living, walking, display of Christ to every person I come in contact with.

I want to be a seeker and a lover of truth. Not just able to quote some verses and explain some theories... I want to be known as someone who has studied, reflected, struggled with ideas and picked out the pieces of truth that are intermingled within all our modern knowledge. I want to be wise. I want to understand people and the way they work. I want to be able to give wise counsel, based upon your word, your plan, your spirit.

I want to be hard core convicted, able to stand without moving an inch when it comes to right and wrong, and yet, always being able to move and shift and be flexible when it comes to being sensitive to where your spirit leads.

I want to be found pleasing in your sight.

Father overlook my human words, hear my heart. “

What Will I Be Like When I'm 70?

I went to West Mobile Baptist Church one Sunday morning a couple weeks ago. I love the way they have their sanctuary set up because the two sides face each other so you can see the whole congregation. I like this because you can watch people worship, and for me, watching people worship speaks a lot to my heart and enables me to connect with God in a much deeper way than just singing on my own.

This particular week the choir sang a song called “Through The Fire”, its kind of a southern-gospel-ish choir song but its catchy, I enjoyed it.

Anyway...The song is talking about how we were never promised that our lives following Christ will be easy but we are promised that we will never have to walk through alone. It also talks about how it is in going through the fiery times of life that our weaknesses are made strong. It’s a song about suffering and finding comfort in the fact that there is a purpose in trials and sufferings.

Great song right?

Well, this blog isn’t about the song. This blog is about a man I saw listening to the song.

So the choir starts out with…

“So many times I’ve questioned certain circumstances, things I could not understand. Many times in trials, weakness blurs my vision, and then my frustration gets so out of hand.”

And I look over to this older guy who catches my attention. This man, with wrinkly skin, dressed in jeans and a button down plaid shirt, is nodding his head and really getting into the music. My initial thought was ‘I love old people, they are so funny to watch’. But as I kept watching my heart is really touched. Because as they continue with,

“ Then I am reminded that I’ve never been forsaken and I’ve never had to stand one test alone. ..“

tears start to fall from his eyes. It really made me stop and think ‘I can stand here and sing about all the trials I’ve been through so far in life, but this man can REALLY stand and sing about all the trials he’s been through’. He had a good 50 years on me at least, I just started thinking about all the things he must have experienced in his life so far.

The choir keeps singing:

“When I look at all my victories, the Spirit rises up in me, and it’s through the fire my weakness is made strong.”

And this smile comes across his face. This gentle, humble, smile. I could see all the years of life and all the experience and wisdom show themselves through the wrinkles on his face. I try to imagine what he is thinking of right now-what is he praising God for bringing him through? Maybe he is thinking about being a young boy in the 1940’s and hearing stories about World War Two. Maybe he is thinking about when his father was sent off to war, and how his mom and him had to work hard to keep the family together. Maybe he is thinking about the 1950’s as he became a man, the baby boom, industrialization and the beginning of the Civil Rights movement. Maybe he’s thinking about the 1960’s, about the good old days of being married and starting a family, of John F Kennedy and Suburbanism and the age of Hope and Change. Maybe he is thinking about the 1970’s, maybe he is thinking about serving in the war, or that friend he saw killed on the battlefield, or about losing a son or a daughter. Maybe he is thinking back to watching his parents grow old and dealing with losing them, about struggling with the idea of growing old, of making everyday count.

All these thoughts are going through my mind.

And they keep singing:

“He never promised that the cross would not get heavy, and the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered our victories without fighting, but he said help would always come in time. “

And this gentle old man raises both arms to the sky and keeps nodding his head. I imagine in his mind, he is thinking about when his wife died and how God pulled him through. I imagine him thinking about one of his kids who he hasn’t heard from in years but still prays for daily, I imagine him thinking about that illness he went through a few years back and how God has proven himself faithful over and over again.

And they keep singing:

”Just remember when your standing in the valley of decision, and the adversary says ‘give in’, just hold on, and our lord will show up, and he will take you through the fire again.”

And he lowers his hands, and wipes the tears from his cheeks. And he clasps his hands together and bows his head. In my mind, I imagine him praising God for over 70 years of faithfulness. I imagine him saying ‘well God, we’ve been through a lot together, its been a long road, but a good one’.

It's something I'll never forget. Again, just looking at this old man who has been weathered from so many things over the years, still praising, and not just still praising, but praising even more powerfully because of everything he has gone through- it gets me.

Will I be like that when I’m 70? Will I be able to say that I’ve been faithful to God through everything that life has thrown at me? Will I be able to praise him for all the struggles that he has brought me through? It is such a challenge to me to think about. I want to be that old person. I want to be the older lady who has experienced so much throughout life but still can come before the throne of God and with tears flowing down my wrinkled face, be able to lift my hands and smile and say ‘my God is faithful’.

Watching that man worship I realized that we as young adults sometimes speak of things we really don’t know about, or things that we are just beginning to get a taste of. It makes me excited to experience life. To take every experience and to gain wisdom and understanding from it. To stick close to God and learn to love him more with each passing year. To let every circumstance, trial, and time of suffering soften my heart, humble me, push me further in love with Jesus, so that I too, can be old and humble and wise, and brought to tears in gratefulness when I think back over my life.