Finding Our Way

Today I’ve been working on the book I’m writing, planning out some cool-sounding blog posts and writing down my vision for future writing endeavors. It’s so easy to look at other bloggers and follow what they’re doing. It’s really easy to be ‘that person’ on twitter with the good 140 character punch lines of wisdom and the witty critiques on pop culture. If I strategize well it’s even easy to get extra traffic on my blog and pat myself on the back for a couple thousand reads. Scary thing: I can be ‘successful’ fairly easily without being real, and it’s a continual struggle to pull myself away from ‘being a writer’ and back to being Beck.

There are thousands of writers out there that are much better at writing than me. There are hundreds of people who can offer you better life advice and words of wisdom. Honestly, I don’t know why people read my words, but as long as they do, I want those words to be honestly 100% me. That's all I've got to offer. I have this suspicion, and it’s been part of my perspective on writing for as long as I can remember:

Every one of us is dealing with a struggle of some kind. If you’re not currently in this day, you will be in one day soon to come. But while we’re all struggling, and we would all admit that we’re equally human, we seem to think that we’re alone and most everyone around us has it together. We don’t talk about our struggling in an effort to blend in, but by not admitting it we’re just making both ourselves and other people feel alone.

I want to write about the great things God is doing in my life. I want to write about the cool things that are to be found in theology, the wisdom I’ve picked up so far about living this Christian thing out, and encouraging words that will inspire people to do something amazing with their lives… But there’s more. Because like I said there are tons of other people writing those same things that can do it much better than me.

I want you to know that I struggle. I want you to know that I’m afraid. I want you to know there are days when I’m absolutely clueless.

I am twenty-six years old and I’m still not quite sure where I’m heading yet. There are days when I worry that I will never figure it out. There are times when it seems that everyone around me knows what they are doing in life and how they are going to do it and I’m the only one that is still fumbling around for a plan.

There are days when I feel so out of place, like I don’t belong in this culture, this group of people, this city, and sometimes even this world. There are days when I feel like I never will.

There are days when the constant pressure of looking right and being successful gets to me and I get tired of being different.

There are days when I want to be selfish, and do nothing except what will make me personally happy.

There are days when I’m praying and have to stop and ask myself, ‘Do I really believe that there is someone out there listening to me? Do I really believe this being I call God created the universe and is in control of time and space and eternity and yet cares about the details of my life?'

There are days when I don’t want to love, forgive, care, or even try for that matter.

There are days when God is the last person I feel like being around or talking to or thinking of.

I don’t have all the answers. And in all honesty I don’t have most of the answers. Most days I don’t even know if I’m asking the right questions.

I just want to share that. Because as much as I believe that God has a plan, as much as I am crazy passionate about making this plan known, as much as I believe that we have every reason to be joyful and no reason to fear or doubt, I’m not always confident and positive and overflowing with warm fuzzies. And that’s okay. I want you to know that it’s okay. It is okay to doubt. God is not offended by your questions. It is okay to be afraid. There will be times when you worry and stress and cry. There will be times when you don’t want to try, and times when you are trying and want to quit.

The important thing is that you keep going.
Embrace the doubt. Embrace the fear. Can I even suggest that you take it to God? He's not afraid of our honest thoughts.

Whatever it may be- face it. Whatever you need to say, say it. But then keep going.

A lot of people may seem like they have it together. A lot of people may seem like they have good answers. But the truth is that all of us are scared at times, and all of us are a little bit clueless. We are all trying to find our way, no matter how far along we are.