I've done a lot of soul searching over the last couple days. I've really had to sit myself down, get brutally honest, and ask myself what's up. I've come to realize that there are several things that have been on my mind, several passions that have been put in my heart, several dreams I have that for some reason or another, other people have convinced me to let go of, to give up on.
I dont have enough money.
I'm not smart enough.
It's not practical.
It's a waste of time.
I'm diabetic.
I'm not 100% financially independent.
I'm' about to be 23 and should really ease up on the adventurous dreaming and make a life plan and figure out what I'm really going to do.
People dont really listen to me, I dont really have influence.
I'm not a leader and done have what it takes.
The list goes on and on.....
Some of these things I tell myself, some of these things other people tell me. Regardless. I've come back to this conclusion. Dreams are worth dreaming. Life is waiting to be taken hold of and lived. Nothing comes easy. Pursuing the passions that God has given you is worth the risk. And people are ALWAYS going to criticize those that dare to try, dare to be different, dare to set high standards and go with it.
So this is what I want to do. And maybe its dumb, maybe I'm crazy. But this is it. This is what I continually return to. I try to run from these things, and it works for a couple months, but I always come back to this. These are the things, the ideas, the visions that make my heart beat. That make tears flow. That make life worth living. This is what I want to pursue. I dont know how. I dont know when. And I know that I HAVE to find some people that can push me towards these goals when I decide once again that I cant do it and try to run. But this is what I want.
1) To write books.
2) To go to seminary.
3) To live a BIG city for a while.
4) To possibly work with Thomas Nelson Publishing.
5) Possibly Samaritans Purse.
6) Have a blog site-with blogs worth reading- and establish a huge reader base.
7) Travel and speak, on passion, on Love ANYWAY, on missions, on LIVING life- all these things that have influenced my life so heavily.
These seem so big. So crazy. So far out there and untouchable. And yet, these are the passions that are within my heart. And when I am not pursuing these goals I find myself in a rut. These are the things I believe God has put in my mind, and burdened my heart with, and these are the things that I can honestly say, if I'm not moving towards, make life seems pointless. And by that I mean, that I believe these are the things that God wants me to pursue and use to build up his kingdom, to glorify his name.
Ultimately the only thing that makes life worth living is pursuing God and seeking to lift up His name, proclaiming and displaying His glory. I think these things are the way he wants me to do that. Maybe I'm crazy. I dont know. But I can sit and think about it for another couple years, or i can begin pursuing it. What to do...What to do...
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I Want To Be...
Sometimes I think our hearts just overflow with a crying out to God that cant be put into words so it has to come out in a feeling. For me, it’s a swelling in my chest. I literally feel like my heart is growing. When I breathe in I feel the pressure and when I breathe out I feel the pain. However, its not a bad pain. It’s more of a ‘There is so much I want to communicate that I don't know how to express." I rarely feel like I have the right words, but I always try anyway.
“God there is so much I want to be. So much I want to understand and accomplish in your name and for your glory. There are so many people close to my heart who are hurting. There are so many people around me that need someone to pay attention to them. There are so many people that I have a burden for. I want to be that person who is so crazy about you that other people take a closer look. I want to be like Noah, I want to be found righteous. I want to be like Abraham, I want to drop it all and go at the sound of your voice. I want to be like Moses-torn between two cultures, yet having been brought through circumstances with a divine purpose to impact an entire nation. I want to be like Esther, unwavering in her faith even when she was overtaken with fear, discerning enough to work within the political and social system of her situation in order to save her people and glorify her God. I want to be like Joseph, not afraid to speak about the visions you have given and the prophecies you have laid out. I want to be like Daniel, so devoted to seeking your kingdom that it threatened to outshine every other kingdom put together on earth.
I want to have an impact, I want to leave a mark, I want to not just create ripples in the ocean that is Mobile, Al, but to take the cannon-ball approach so that everyone and anyone who is around me is left soaking wet with the water that is your Holy Spirit. I want to love you without hesitation, for no reasons of my own, no selfish intentions. I want to see deeper than what most people see, I want to see how things really correlate and work together. I want to know your word, in such a way that it is the very core fiber of my daily existence. I want to KNOW your voice. I want it to be the thing that makes my heart leap within me. I want to be a living, walking, display of Christ to every person I come in contact with.
I want to be a seeker and a lover of truth. Not just able to quote some verses and explain some theories... I want to be known as someone who has studied, reflected, struggled with ideas and picked out the pieces of truth that are intermingled within all our modern knowledge. I want to be wise. I want to understand people and the way they work. I want to be able to give wise counsel, based upon your word, your plan, your spirit.
I want to be hard core convicted, able to stand without moving an inch when it comes to right and wrong, and yet, always being able to move and shift and be flexible when it comes to being sensitive to where your spirit leads.
I want to be found pleasing in your sight.
Father overlook my human words, hear my heart. “
What Will I Be Like When I'm 70?
I went to West Mobile Baptist Church one Sunday morning a couple weeks ago. I love the way they have their sanctuary set up because the two sides face each other so you can see the whole congregation. I like this because you can watch people worship, and for me, watching people worship speaks a lot to my heart and enables me to connect with God in a much deeper way than just singing on my own.
This particular week the choir sang a song called “Through The Fire”, its kind of a southern-gospel-ish choir song but its catchy, I enjoyed it.
Anyway...The song is talking about how we were never promised that our lives following Christ will be easy but we are promised that we will never have to walk through alone. It also talks about how it is in going through the fiery times of life that our weaknesses are made strong. It’s a song about suffering and finding comfort in the fact that there is a purpose in trials and sufferings.
Great song right?
Well, this blog isn’t about the song. This blog is about a man I saw listening to the song.
So the choir starts out with…
And I look over to this older guy who catches my attention. This man, with wrinkly skin, dressed in jeans and a button down plaid shirt, is nodding his head and really getting into the music. My initial thought was ‘I love old people, they are so funny to watch’. But as I kept watching my heart is really touched. Because as they continue with,
tears start to fall from his eyes. It really made me stop and think ‘I can stand here and sing about all the trials I’ve been through so far in life, but this man can REALLY stand and sing about all the trials he’s been through’. He had a good 50 years on me at least, I just started thinking about all the things he must have experienced in his life so far.
The choir keeps singing:
And this smile comes across his face. This gentle, humble, smile. I could see all the years of life and all the experience and wisdom show themselves through the wrinkles on his face. I try to imagine what he is thinking of right now-what is he praising God for bringing him through? Maybe he is thinking about being a young boy in the 1940’s and hearing stories about World War Two. Maybe he is thinking about when his father was sent off to war, and how his mom and him had to work hard to keep the family together. Maybe he is thinking about the 1950’s as he became a man, the baby boom, industrialization and the beginning of the Civil Rights movement. Maybe he’s thinking about the 1960’s, about the good old days of being married and starting a family, of John F Kennedy and Suburbanism and the age of Hope and Change. Maybe he is thinking about the 1970’s, maybe he is thinking about serving in the war, or that friend he saw killed on the battlefield, or about losing a son or a daughter. Maybe he is thinking back to watching his parents grow old and dealing with losing them, about struggling with the idea of growing old, of making everyday count.
All these thoughts are going through my mind.
And they keep singing:
And this gentle old man raises both arms to the sky and keeps nodding his head. I imagine in his mind, he is thinking about when his wife died and how God pulled him through. I imagine him thinking about one of his kids who he hasn’t heard from in years but still prays for daily, I imagine him thinking about that illness he went through a few years back and how God has proven himself faithful over and over again.
And they keep singing:
And he lowers his hands, and wipes the tears from his cheeks. And he clasps his hands together and bows his head. In my mind, I imagine him praising God for over 70 years of faithfulness. I imagine him saying ‘well God, we’ve been through a lot together, its been a long road, but a good one’.
It's something I'll never forget. Again, just looking at this old man who has been weathered from so many things over the years, still praising, and not just still praising, but praising even more powerfully because of everything he has gone through- it gets me.
Will I be like that when I’m 70? Will I be able to say that I’ve been faithful to God through everything that life has thrown at me? Will I be able to praise him for all the struggles that he has brought me through? It is such a challenge to me to think about. I want to be that old person. I want to be the older lady who has experienced so much throughout life but still can come before the throne of God and with tears flowing down my wrinkled face, be able to lift my hands and smile and say ‘my God is faithful’.
Watching that man worship I realized that we as young adults sometimes speak of things we really don’t know about, or things that we are just beginning to get a taste of. It makes me excited to experience life. To take every experience and to gain wisdom and understanding from it. To stick close to God and learn to love him more with each passing year. To let every circumstance, trial, and time of suffering soften my heart, humble me, push me further in love with Jesus, so that I too, can be old and humble and wise, and brought to tears in gratefulness when I think back over my life.
This particular week the choir sang a song called “Through The Fire”, its kind of a southern-gospel-ish choir song but its catchy, I enjoyed it.
Anyway...The song is talking about how we were never promised that our lives following Christ will be easy but we are promised that we will never have to walk through alone. It also talks about how it is in going through the fiery times of life that our weaknesses are made strong. It’s a song about suffering and finding comfort in the fact that there is a purpose in trials and sufferings.
Great song right?
Well, this blog isn’t about the song. This blog is about a man I saw listening to the song.
So the choir starts out with…
“So many times I’ve questioned certain circumstances, things I could not understand. Many times in trials, weakness blurs my vision, and then my frustration gets so out of hand.”
And I look over to this older guy who catches my attention. This man, with wrinkly skin, dressed in jeans and a button down plaid shirt, is nodding his head and really getting into the music. My initial thought was ‘I love old people, they are so funny to watch’. But as I kept watching my heart is really touched. Because as they continue with,
“ Then I am reminded that I’ve never been forsaken and I’ve never had to stand one test alone. ..“
tears start to fall from his eyes. It really made me stop and think ‘I can stand here and sing about all the trials I’ve been through so far in life, but this man can REALLY stand and sing about all the trials he’s been through’. He had a good 50 years on me at least, I just started thinking about all the things he must have experienced in his life so far.
The choir keeps singing:
“When I look at all my victories, the Spirit rises up in me, and it’s through the fire my weakness is made strong.”
And this smile comes across his face. This gentle, humble, smile. I could see all the years of life and all the experience and wisdom show themselves through the wrinkles on his face. I try to imagine what he is thinking of right now-what is he praising God for bringing him through? Maybe he is thinking about being a young boy in the 1940’s and hearing stories about World War Two. Maybe he is thinking about when his father was sent off to war, and how his mom and him had to work hard to keep the family together. Maybe he is thinking about the 1950’s as he became a man, the baby boom, industrialization and the beginning of the Civil Rights movement. Maybe he’s thinking about the 1960’s, about the good old days of being married and starting a family, of John F Kennedy and Suburbanism and the age of Hope and Change. Maybe he is thinking about the 1970’s, maybe he is thinking about serving in the war, or that friend he saw killed on the battlefield, or about losing a son or a daughter. Maybe he is thinking back to watching his parents grow old and dealing with losing them, about struggling with the idea of growing old, of making everyday count.
All these thoughts are going through my mind.
And they keep singing:
“He never promised that the cross would not get heavy, and the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered our victories without fighting, but he said help would always come in time. “
And this gentle old man raises both arms to the sky and keeps nodding his head. I imagine in his mind, he is thinking about when his wife died and how God pulled him through. I imagine him thinking about one of his kids who he hasn’t heard from in years but still prays for daily, I imagine him thinking about that illness he went through a few years back and how God has proven himself faithful over and over again.
And they keep singing:
”Just remember when your standing in the valley of decision, and the adversary says ‘give in’, just hold on, and our lord will show up, and he will take you through the fire again.”
And he lowers his hands, and wipes the tears from his cheeks. And he clasps his hands together and bows his head. In my mind, I imagine him praising God for over 70 years of faithfulness. I imagine him saying ‘well God, we’ve been through a lot together, its been a long road, but a good one’.
It's something I'll never forget. Again, just looking at this old man who has been weathered from so many things over the years, still praising, and not just still praising, but praising even more powerfully because of everything he has gone through- it gets me.
Will I be like that when I’m 70? Will I be able to say that I’ve been faithful to God through everything that life has thrown at me? Will I be able to praise him for all the struggles that he has brought me through? It is such a challenge to me to think about. I want to be that old person. I want to be the older lady who has experienced so much throughout life but still can come before the throne of God and with tears flowing down my wrinkled face, be able to lift my hands and smile and say ‘my God is faithful’.
Watching that man worship I realized that we as young adults sometimes speak of things we really don’t know about, or things that we are just beginning to get a taste of. It makes me excited to experience life. To take every experience and to gain wisdom and understanding from it. To stick close to God and learn to love him more with each passing year. To let every circumstance, trial, and time of suffering soften my heart, humble me, push me further in love with Jesus, so that I too, can be old and humble and wise, and brought to tears in gratefulness when I think back over my life.
"I Can Do All Things"....Including Suffer Unjustly...
“For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.”
1 Peter 2:19-24
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:13
I remember watching the Donut Man as a kid with all my cousins singing, “I can do all things, all things, all things, I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13!”
We’re taught all these things while growing up but as adults we never stop to rethink them and see how they may apply differently to our adult lives. As a kid, “I can do all things” meant I could eat my veggies, clean my room, and ride my bike up the really big hill at my uncles house. This carried into my teenage years where it meant I could make new friends, apply for a job, and take on the boys in the soccer playoffs without being afraid of getting trampled. (I made two goals playing forward and we won that tournament I might add).
As an adult however, what does it mean? For the most part it has held the same type of meaning- I can work 40 hours a week and keep a smile on my face, I can take 4 finals on the same day and not pass out, I can teach a bible class because its not my wisdom but His... All these things are very true, but today I’m seeing from a little different perspective. I think we tend to read this verse and think of all the things we can accomplish, all the goals we can set, and how we will succeed because we can ‘do all things’. But let’s look at the couple verses before this one that we’re so quick to recite:.
“..I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.” And because of this I know…. “I can do all things, through him who strengthens me.”
Changes things a bit, right? We can indeed accomplish great things through Christ's strength, but I think that is only one aspect of this verse. Change the wording a little and instead of ‘I can do all things’ how about ‘ I can face all things’? Maybe it is not only about what we can do, accomplish, or achieve. Maybe it is also about what we can face, endure, and make it through.
As Christians (following in the steps of Christ) we are called to suffer as Christ suffered- to suffer unjustly. Why? We are called to be the light of the world, to shine brightly and reflect the glory of God. Where does light shine the brightest? In the darkness. Light becomes brighter when it is submerged in darkness. When we are in the middle of suffering and when we should (by all human reasoning) be overwhelmed and overtaken by our circumstances, yet we are able to endure, that shines.
We are called to shine, and one of the ways that we can do this best is through enduring hard things. When we go through something that drains us of all human strength, the strength of Christ kicks in and that is obvious to anyone watching.
Paul says that he has learned how to be content. He knows how to be brought low, and he knows how to abound. I love this. He knows how to be brought low, as Christ knew how to be brought low. This makes me think of gracefully enduring hard things. Not just getting through, but refusing to let circumstances slam us to the ground and toss us around like crazy. Knowing how to be brought low slowly, peacefully even. By following in the steps of Christ we shouldn't be surprised by hard things. By knowing who we are in Christ we know we can endure hard things. By knowing these things, the hard things become a gracious thing for us because through them we are able to shine our brightest and point to Christ.
But it doesn’t stop there. Knowing all of this also enables us to know how to abound. Not just sit there and take the suffering and wait for it to pass and then abound afterwards, but to abound in the midst of suffering-to find peace in the midst of turmoil, joy in the midst of sadness, strength in the midst of weakness. Why? Because we ‘can do all things through him who strengthens’ us.
Not only can we suffer because he strengthens us, not only can we endure it and make it through because he strengthens us, but because he strengthens us we can do so joyfully. Because he strengthens us we can do all things- like find peace and happiness and contentment when everything around us is falling to pieces. Why? Again, it is in doing these things that we can shine the brightest.
In a world that runs from suffering and does everything possible to avoid inconvenience and uncomfortable-ness, what would it look like for us to begin to embrace suffering when it comes our way, knowing that it will enable us to shine? What if, when in the midst of hard things that we didn't ask for or deserve, we took a minute to praise our God because He has given us an opportunity to bring glory to His name? What if, when we see our brothers and sisters in Christ suffering unjustly, instead of praying that God would remove their burden, we pray that God would enable them to glorify Him in the utmost way?
What if we look at suffering as an opportunity to show the world what this Christian thing is all about?
What if we became known for the way we handled suffering?
What if, instead of our stance on homosexuality, our social ciricles, or the location of our bodies on Sunday mornings, the un-churched of Mobile knew who the churched were by the way we were gracefully ‘brought low’ in tough times?
What if?
1 Peter 2:19-24
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:13
I remember watching the Donut Man as a kid with all my cousins singing, “I can do all things, all things, all things, I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13!”
We’re taught all these things while growing up but as adults we never stop to rethink them and see how they may apply differently to our adult lives. As a kid, “I can do all things” meant I could eat my veggies, clean my room, and ride my bike up the really big hill at my uncles house. This carried into my teenage years where it meant I could make new friends, apply for a job, and take on the boys in the soccer playoffs without being afraid of getting trampled. (I made two goals playing forward and we won that tournament I might add).
As an adult however, what does it mean? For the most part it has held the same type of meaning- I can work 40 hours a week and keep a smile on my face, I can take 4 finals on the same day and not pass out, I can teach a bible class because its not my wisdom but His... All these things are very true, but today I’m seeing from a little different perspective. I think we tend to read this verse and think of all the things we can accomplish, all the goals we can set, and how we will succeed because we can ‘do all things’. But let’s look at the couple verses before this one that we’re so quick to recite:.
“..I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.” And because of this I know…. “I can do all things, through him who strengthens me.”
Changes things a bit, right? We can indeed accomplish great things through Christ's strength, but I think that is only one aspect of this verse. Change the wording a little and instead of ‘I can do all things’ how about ‘ I can face all things’? Maybe it is not only about what we can do, accomplish, or achieve. Maybe it is also about what we can face, endure, and make it through.
As Christians (following in the steps of Christ) we are called to suffer as Christ suffered- to suffer unjustly. Why? We are called to be the light of the world, to shine brightly and reflect the glory of God. Where does light shine the brightest? In the darkness. Light becomes brighter when it is submerged in darkness. When we are in the middle of suffering and when we should (by all human reasoning) be overwhelmed and overtaken by our circumstances, yet we are able to endure, that shines.
We are called to shine, and one of the ways that we can do this best is through enduring hard things. When we go through something that drains us of all human strength, the strength of Christ kicks in and that is obvious to anyone watching.
Paul says that he has learned how to be content. He knows how to be brought low, and he knows how to abound. I love this. He knows how to be brought low, as Christ knew how to be brought low. This makes me think of gracefully enduring hard things. Not just getting through, but refusing to let circumstances slam us to the ground and toss us around like crazy. Knowing how to be brought low slowly, peacefully even. By following in the steps of Christ we shouldn't be surprised by hard things. By knowing who we are in Christ we know we can endure hard things. By knowing these things, the hard things become a gracious thing for us because through them we are able to shine our brightest and point to Christ.
But it doesn’t stop there. Knowing all of this also enables us to know how to abound. Not just sit there and take the suffering and wait for it to pass and then abound afterwards, but to abound in the midst of suffering-to find peace in the midst of turmoil, joy in the midst of sadness, strength in the midst of weakness. Why? Because we ‘can do all things through him who strengthens’ us.
Not only can we suffer because he strengthens us, not only can we endure it and make it through because he strengthens us, but because he strengthens us we can do so joyfully. Because he strengthens us we can do all things- like find peace and happiness and contentment when everything around us is falling to pieces. Why? Again, it is in doing these things that we can shine the brightest.
In a world that runs from suffering and does everything possible to avoid inconvenience and uncomfortable-ness, what would it look like for us to begin to embrace suffering when it comes our way, knowing that it will enable us to shine? What if, when in the midst of hard things that we didn't ask for or deserve, we took a minute to praise our God because He has given us an opportunity to bring glory to His name? What if, when we see our brothers and sisters in Christ suffering unjustly, instead of praying that God would remove their burden, we pray that God would enable them to glorify Him in the utmost way?
What if we look at suffering as an opportunity to show the world what this Christian thing is all about?
What if we became known for the way we handled suffering?
What if, instead of our stance on homosexuality, our social ciricles, or the location of our bodies on Sunday mornings, the un-churched of Mobile knew who the churched were by the way we were gracefully ‘brought low’ in tough times?
What if?
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