I've done a lot of soul searching over the last couple days. I've really had to sit myself down, get brutally honest, and ask myself what's up. I've come to realize that there are several things that have been on my mind, several passions that have been put in my heart, several dreams I have that for some reason or another, other people have convinced me to let go of, to give up on.
I dont have enough money.
I'm not smart enough.
It's not practical.
It's a waste of time.
I'm diabetic.
I'm not 100% financially independent.
I'm' about to be 23 and should really ease up on the adventurous dreaming and make a life plan and figure out what I'm really going to do.
People dont really listen to me, I dont really have influence.
I'm not a leader and done have what it takes.
The list goes on and on.....
Some of these things I tell myself, some of these things other people tell me. Regardless. I've come back to this conclusion. Dreams are worth dreaming. Life is waiting to be taken hold of and lived. Nothing comes easy. Pursuing the passions that God has given you is worth the risk. And people are ALWAYS going to criticize those that dare to try, dare to be different, dare to set high standards and go with it.
So this is what I want to do. And maybe its dumb, maybe I'm crazy. But this is it. This is what I continually return to. I try to run from these things, and it works for a couple months, but I always come back to this. These are the things, the ideas, the visions that make my heart beat. That make tears flow. That make life worth living. This is what I want to pursue. I dont know how. I dont know when. And I know that I HAVE to find some people that can push me towards these goals when I decide once again that I cant do it and try to run. But this is what I want.
1) To write books.
2) To go to seminary.
3) To live a BIG city for a while.
4) To possibly work with Thomas Nelson Publishing.
5) Possibly Samaritans Purse.
6) Have a blog site-with blogs worth reading- and establish a huge reader base.
7) Travel and speak, on passion, on Love ANYWAY, on missions, on LIVING life- all these things that have influenced my life so heavily.
These seem so big. So crazy. So far out there and untouchable. And yet, these are the passions that are within my heart. And when I am not pursuing these goals I find myself in a rut. These are the things I believe God has put in my mind, and burdened my heart with, and these are the things that I can honestly say, if I'm not moving towards, make life seems pointless. And by that I mean, that I believe these are the things that God wants me to pursue and use to build up his kingdom, to glorify his name.
Ultimately the only thing that makes life worth living is pursuing God and seeking to lift up His name, proclaiming and displaying His glory. I think these things are the way he wants me to do that. Maybe I'm crazy. I dont know. But I can sit and think about it for another couple years, or i can begin pursuing it. What to do...What to do...
