What I Want To Say (For Him)

Something a litte more light-hearted then my usual posts. This is something I wrote a while back about a boy, about that point in a relationship when you know there are mutual feelings, and there are a hundred things you want to say, but you have to pace yourself somehow.

 

What I Want To Say (For Him)

 

These thoughts running endless circles in my head

These feelings that have to stay inside

These things that have to wait

These things I want to say but can’t.

If I could say what I want to say right now

I’d tell you, you’re beautiful to me.

The smile that comes across my face is natural and free.

When you speak to me all is right in the world

When you’re green eyes meet mine, I’m the happiest girl

These are the things I want to say, but can’t.

 

If I could say what I want to say right now

I’d tell you, I share my heart with few

But if you’re willing and if you want,

I’ll share my heart with you

I’d tell you that I trust you

Even though I’m not sure why

I’d tell you this might not work,

But I’m more than willing to try

 

If I could say what I want to say right now

I’d tell you that I’m scared

That we’ll never make a way for these mutual thoughts to be shared

That we’ll continue on in life never knowing what might have been

Always living with the thoughts of these things from ‘way back when’

 

So here I go, I grab this pen and hope to work this out

I cannot wait till my mind is free of all fear and all doubt

I’ll share these things someway, somehow, and then maybe one day

You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours, and we’ll say what we want to say.

 

A New Perspective on Christmas Eve

This holiday season my heart has felt heavy,

I wanted to write about it but I didn’t really feel ready,

Because honestly, I’m still struggling to understand and to reconcile

How to process all this evil, and still carry a smile,

How do I find joy in my Creator, while His creation is going crazy?

It makes me wonder, and makes me question,

I've been facing doubts and my faith seems hazy.

But I write to express these things, I write to sort through,

And I share in hopes that it can encourage you

I’ve been thinking- a long time ago and a long way away,

There was another generation who were awaiting a day,

When a Savior would come and peace would reign,

Their pain would cease, and joy would remain

In the darkest times when they couldn’t see light,

They held on to the promise that all would be right,

That God was still there, that hope was alive,

That a Saviour would come and God's people would thrive

No one expected this ‘savior’ to take the form

Of a little baby boy who would be birthed in a barn,

Surrounded by animals and wrapped up in rags,

No heralds, no trumpets, no royal flags,

The place He was born and the time He stepped in,

Was also covered in darkness and drowning in sin

We tend to forget that on that very day,

Herod, the king, had a thousand kids slain,

Just to ensure that he held on to his power,

That this supposed ‘savior’ didn’t live to devour

His political kingdom that had taken control

So there was weeping and pain as the people tried to console

The mothers and fathers who screamed for their children

And cried out to their God who seemed to be hidden

And that’s just the thing that we need to remember,

When we hear about shootings, buildings falling in September,

When we hear rumor that our rights are being taken away,

When things are unstable, when our government strays.

Along side all these people who wept and who mourned,

And anticipated the day when all things would be restored,

In the midst of this darkness and the midst of our pain,

Fear, heartache, and suffering, a promise still remains,

God is still here, our hope-He is alive,

Our King is still coming, His church, -we will thrive

One day all things will be right once again,

He’ll wipe away every tear, and all sin will end,

We will bask in his presence, we will sleep in His arms,

Safe from every evil thing, far from worry, far from harm.

He is still coming, and we have to hold on,

His grace is enough, He will make us strong,

We can take refuge in our sympathizing King,

Because He’s been where we are, He has seen what we’re seeing

He conquered it all, even death and the grave,

So that we could find peace, and in Him- we could be saved.

So while my heart is still hurting and things are unstable,

I can smile and spread hope, because I know He is able,

He wont disappoint us, He wont look away,

He is still in control, that will never change

And this Christmas Eve can mean so much more to me,

Because just like those people, I’m awaiting my King.

The Story Behind "Seventy Times"

Last night I recorded a video of me reciting this poem. It's a good poem, okay it's a great poem and I'm really proud of it. The video is okay too, nothing too special. But after recording it I was reluctant to share it. Why? I don't know. That's what I'm pondering. It's not in my personality at all to want to be the focus or center of anyone's attention, but it doesn't really bother me if I'm sharing something I really believe in so I don't think that's it. I think I decided it was because I felt like I was sharing something really personal to me, and I don't tend to do that except with a few people I'm close to.

When I post something like that on the interwebs it only takes a few people reposting it before a couple hundred people have viewed it. Comments start rolling in about how amazing it is and how wise I am and all these other (very encouraging, very affirming, very needed) remarks. But I worry sometimes that it gets written off just as something cool Rebecca did. And that's awesome, I like doing cool things, I like being told I'm cool hah. But there's more behind it, there's months and months of struggle and contemplation and work behind it. As I was thinking through all of this I realized that just in hearing the poem, most people aren't going to get the back story, so I thought I'd share the back story and the process a poem (or anything) goes through with me before it's written.


Over the summer of 2012 I had been sorting through a lot. A lot happened earlier that year that was very hurtful and I was trying to work through it, understand it, heal, and move forward. God really started nailing in this concept of forgiveness. I know, I should have the concept of forgiveness by now, but sometimes you know things and then you know things. There was this pain in my chest. A very real, physical pain. And it just sat there. I didn't want it to, I wasn't trying to dwell on it, but it was there. Everytime I saw certain people or someone mentioned a situation that triggered a memory...whatever it may be, that pain swelled up and I'd go through a mixture of emotions. Hurt- there was legitimate hurt there, Anger-I wanted the people that hurt me to hurt in the same way, Doubt-Why, if i had done my best to do right, was I allowed to be hurt, Resentment-After all I'd given up and done, I didn't deserve this, Pride and Accusation-Where was God and why wasn't He fixing this, Fear-I can never trust anyone again, Despair-This pain will always be here, Condemnation- It was somehow all my fault.

I imagine several of you can identify with at least one of these, maybe all. At the same time during the summer I commited to reading through the Psalms, one a day till I got through them all. One of the greatest things I learned through this was seeing God as a refuge. David continually calls out to God and claims God as His refuge, the place he went when he was hurt and troubled. So that's what I did. I went to God with my pain, fear, anger, doubt, and everything else. It wasn't an overnight transformation, quite the opposite, it has taken months. But He kept directing me back to this concept- I don't forgive because they deserve it, I don't forgive because I'm a strong person who has a good moral compass, I don't forgive because it makes me feel good. I forgive because I have been forgiven. I forgive because Christ is in me and He is strength. I have no excuse.

Please hear me when I say that the first day you choose to forgive someone isn't the same day that the pain is gone. It may leave over time, it may never fully leave. But the important thing is to look to Christ everytime that pain wells up inside you, because He knows how it feels. The forgiveness Christ extended to us cost Him his life and an amount of physical, emotional and spiritual pain that we will never understand. We're not alone in the fight for forgiveness. Not only is there comfort and peace found in His presence, but He gives us the power to be strong when we're not, He gives us the ability to forgive.

August 29th, 2012, my heart was full of both joy and pain, and my mind was exhausted from the struggle, so I did what I do in those times and I started writing. Seventy Times is the result of that night and it's one of those things that you know came from Him working through me because I couldn't put stuff like that together on my own.

So when I share this poem (and others like it) there's more behind it then 'this is a cool concept the world should hear about'. It's personal. When I write about my heart burning for justice, it's because I struggle with a very prideful heart. When I share about forgiveness being hard and how I'm not strong enough to do it, it's not to gain your sympathy- it's because I'm human, and I know you're human, and I know we all struggle. When you hear me reciting lines about holding tight to simple truths, it's because there have been times when I felt like my whole world was crumbling apart and all it was all I could do to grasp on that truth and wait for it to blow over. And most importantly, when I write about finding strength in Christ, about being able to press on and do the right thing because my chains are gone- it's because I want you to know that freedom as well. I want you to find that strength, that peace, that healing.

You can watch Seventy Times here: http://youtu.be/09Pi_ba0LoI I would love to hear if it encourages you, and I'd love to hear your story. Contact me at beckwattier@gmail.com or 251-422-3071

Don't Wait To Know Who You Are

Don't wait until you know who you are to get started.

Nobody is born with a known style or voice. We learn as we go. Often times it is something that we have to grow into. We figure out what we're good at, we figure out what we like. We figure out by tossing out. Try something, keep a piece of that and toss out the rest. Move forward with that piece and try something new. Repeat process.

It's a process. And the first step is starting. You figure it out as you go, so you can't figure it out if you don't go. You can't start figuring it out until you start going. So go.

It's in the act of making things and doing work that we figure out who we are. Stop sitting around and trying to figure yourself out and go make things...go do things.

Are you scared? That's a good sign. It means you are alive and it means you are a human. You no longer have to worry about being from another species.

But seriously, often times we feel like we don't know what we're doing. We don't. But the thing is even the most succesful people don't have it down to a perfect formula. The professionals will tell you- you try a lot of things because you will toss out most of them and hopefully get to keep one that works.

Show up everyday. Wherever you're at, be all there. Do your thing. Figure out what works and what doesn't, what you feel good about and what you don't. What you want to change and what you want to leave exactly as it is.

Life is a process. It's often in the mistakes and the mess ups that we learn the most. Don't be afraid to learn.

When You Have Goals You Don't Want

We inherit goals from our family. We adopt goals from our culture. We are taught goals by the previous generation. But what do we want our goals to be?

Most people living life don't know where they're going, and if they do they don't really know why. There's not a lot of direction these days. It's hard to find it, honestly. Life happens, and we try to keep our heads above water. For most people, thinking about what they want out of life is a privilege, almost a dream and goal in itself. But we need to think about these things or we will find ourselves floating along.

We've been given life, and we shouldn't live it halfway. I don't mean we should throw away responsibilities and go dream chasing or adventure hopping. That's not practical. What I do mean is that each life holds incredible potential, especially in today's world. The world is at our fingertips. All information ever know to anyone from any culture in any place on this planet is accessible to us in some form thanks to the internet. It's a shame to not follow our dreams.

I often find myself on autopilot. It's easy. I work a lot, I get tired, I let the routine kind of run itself and I just show up. We have to be intentional or we'll miss it. Our whole life will pass by and maybe it will have been a full one, but for most of us, it could have been fuller.

So what are your goals? Are they goals that you want or are they goals someone handed to you somewhere along the way? Are they the goals people your age and in your culture are 'supposed' to have or are they the ones you want to see played out in your life? It's never too late to start pursuing them. I think a good measure for if a goal is worth pursuing or not is to ask 'If I pursue this goal for the rest of my life and never attain it, will it still be worth it?' Enjoy the process, enjoy the learning that comes with each step. Make a list. Push yourself. Live life.

What are some goals you have been pursuing that you didn't really choose but were given to you in one way or another? What are some goals you want to start working towards?

Power in Honest Words

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge..." Psalm 61:1-3

I love words. I particularly love poetry. I love that people with the gift of writing can take words and express the most intense of emotions with them. They truly are a tool, being used to craft, mold, build and shape the message that we want to get across.

Words can be used for good or bad. Very gifted orators such as Abraham Lincoln, Benjamin Franklin, D.L.Moody and Jesus Christ have, through given speeches and conveyed messages that have stood the test of time and are still studied, recited and applied today. Likewise we have people in our history like Hitler and Stalin who used words to gain people's confidence and lead movements that we look back on in shame.

The beauty of words though is that you don't have to be a gifted orator to write powerful things. You don't have to be trying to push an agenda or to make your words convey a certain thing. The most powerful words are simply the ones with emotion behind them.

Some say David was the greatest poet of all time. Obviously, his poetry in the psalms is beautiful, powerful, meaningful. But I don't think it was because he took classes on how to convey meaning through words or how to become a better writer. I believe David was unashamedly honest before God. These are the words that we see, his private thoughts and conversations with God. I don't think David wrote for an audience, I think he wrote from his heart, often a broken one at that. And because of this, his words are so powerful and emotion-driving, because they are real.

This is one of my favorite portions of the psalms because you can feel his honesty. He is not simply coming before God and asking for something, or making a request known. He is desperate and pleading. When his heart is faint-the King, with everything at his disposal, the most powerful man alive at that time. His heart is faint. He begs God to hear his cry. Not his request, his cry. He pleads to be led to 'the rock that is higher than I'. He knows he needs something other than himself, he knows it is out of his control.

I hope my words can always be this honest and transparent. I believe there is power in honest words.

My Words, My Voice

I've been trying to learn a good deal about boundaries lately, and by lately I mean the whole of 2012. I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and overall have a lot to share (in the future). One of the biggest challenges I've worked through and gotten a grasp on this year is the concept of individual responsibility. No matter how much you want to see someone change, no matter how much you want to save people you care about from making bad decisions, no matter how much you wish to help them get away from the consequences of those decisions, you can't. Some would even say you shouldn't.

If you know me at all, you know I am a Christian and have been heavily involved in ministry and volunteer/mission work for the last several years. I think this is an especially hard concept for people like me to grasp. Why? Because we have huge hearts and we easily take on other people's burdens. (Hold on, not tooting my own horn...). That may sound like a positive quality, and it can be. But it can also be a huge set back to actually helping and ministering to people. It's very easy to see a problem or a need, and to start a plan of action to fix it. It's a lot harder to look at the root cause of the problem or need and try to solve it in such a way that the situation wont repeat itself. It's ridiculously, incredibly, suck-the-life-out-of-you hard to realize that the answer and solution to the need or problem is to let the person in trouble work it out for themselves. In my experiences this is hard because people typically have to reach a point where they've hit bottom before they will stop and change they're behavior. That's really hard to see, really hard to watch. And for people gifted (cursed) with big hearts that easily empathize, makes you want to cut your own heart out just so you don't have to feel it.

If you've ever made a mistake or a bad decisions or a series of bad decisions (am I the only one?), then you know what I'm talking about. You learn sometimes more through failing than you do through a hundred conversations about how to do it right.

Now, I'm not an advocate of the 'I want to make my own mistakes and learn my own lessons' mindset. I think that's dumb. I want to 'stand on the shoulders of giants', learn and gain wisdom from other peoples experiences, mistakes, trial and errors, and get as far ahead as I can.But in my own life I have found that sometimes there is a fear of doing the wrong thing to the point that instead of doing anything, I think about everything. Every possible outcome, every way it could go wrong, every possible response and how I will in turn respond to that hypothetical response. I'm learning this has a lot to do with my personality type, but I'm also learning that all humans have all traits of all personalities (just at different mixtures and levels), so we can all typically relate.

About a year ago someone whose opinion mattered greatly to me told me that my writing was immature, that I was doing more harm than good, that I had a very influential 'voice' but that I was wasting it. Now before I go further, let me discourage those of you who are and have been fans for a long time from painting a picture of me as the epic heroine and Pulitzer prize winner while this evil being dared to attack my precious words. It's not like that. The criticism was given in a well meaning way, and the criticizer (although extremely off in timing, wordage, and method of delivery) did not at all (I think) know that their words would have such an impact. None of that matters to me now, or to you reading this post. My point is that those words were said, and they stuck, and I've been stuck since. I've been stuck worrying about how my words will be interpreted, what kind of reaction people will have and if I should change this or that to avoid that or this. I've worried if my thoughts and words are wrong, if it will lead people astray or give them the wrong view of a certain topic. I've even worried that my words will have too much influence on people- more influence than they should, over-riding other people's authority and opinions. All silly things. Why? Because of boundaries. While we need to be careful about what we say and always seek to use our influence wisely, ultimately, what other people do, think, feel, say...the ways they react...ultimately that's their area of responsibility.

I've grown, I've learned, I am learning still and hope to always be doing so. But I'm at the point of realizing and being confident in the fact that we learn as we go. We grow as we go. Two thirds of doing it right is doing it. Practice makes perfect. I could go on and on, but you get what I'm talking about.

I believe that words hold incredible power. I believe that for whatever reason outside of my understanding, my voice and my words influence people. I believe that you can't wait until you are absolutely sure of everything in the entire world before you form an opinion on anything. I'm learning to own my words. They are mine after all. And my voice, it is my voice. If I don't use it, I waste it. And sure, I'm going to say things and write things now that five years down the road I may realize I was completely wrong about. But that's okay, it's a part of life. And sure, people may get angry, or offended, or tell me that I'm wrong-there will be times when these people are right. But I can't let that overshadow the people that get encouraged, or inspired, or challenged, or comforted, or learn something new, or start asking questions that lead them in the right direction.

There is one voice that matters more than all the others, and I've been praying lately that it would be louder than all the others so that I can distinguish it clearly. I pray that people would be more intune and influenced by that voice's words than by mine, and that if they ever contradict mine would be tossed aside. I hope and pray to channel that voice in my words and my writings. If you read them, know that they wont always be right, they wont always be perfect, they wont always be worthy of your time. But I promise they will always be with good intentions and good motives, learning and improving as they go.

Dealing with Doubts: The Measure of Success is Obedience

Three and a half years ago I dropped out of school. Why? I wasn’t sure completely, but I knew God was tugging at my heart and telling me that He had other plans. I was halfway doing school, halfway doing church, halfway doing everything and I couldn’t do it anymore. He had stolen my heart, and the passion that was running through my veins was something that I still to this day can’t explain to you. I wanted to focus on Him, I wanted to study His word and gain a firm foundation and understanding of theological truth, I wanted hands on experience doing ministry and ministering, and most of all I wanted to change the world. I was a young idealist, full of passion and energy, that in reality knew very little but was so willing to be used that it didn’t matter.

 

The last few years have been incredible, it would take me forever to tell you all the stories, the projects, the money raised, the people I’ve met. And yet, there are some days where I wonder if I did the right thing.

Today, by every standard of this world, I am a failure. I am 25, I live with my parents, I work at two restaurants, I dropped out of college, I have a chronic illness that costs me 100’s of dollars a month, I’m not married, and out of all the work and effort and money I have poured out over the last three years, I personally have nothing to show for it. Many people would call this failure. Many Christians would call this failure. At this point in my ‘ministry career’ I should have a position with some church or some ministry in Africa somewhere. Or maybe I should have started my own and have figured how to have other people supporting me. I certainly should not be working at a restaurant, struggling to pay my medical bills and figuring out ‘what’s next’.

I’ve had these conversations over the last few months with several different people. People don’t actually come out and say it, but you hear it in ways like ‘well, what happened, I thought you would be going back to Africa this summer.’ And then there’s my favorite, ‘Well it’s good you’re going to go back to school, you really need to get focused and get that taken care of.’ And then there are the people who (very well meaning) get pretty direct and say things like ‘You need to be looking for a husband, seriously, someone who would take care of your medical bills.’

I don’t really know the purpose in me writing this, maybe it’s to speak to my own fears and insecurities, maybe it’s to drown out all these voices that seem to be sending doubts my way. The truth is, sometimes I ask myself if I missed something several years ago, if my decisions to do what I’ve been doing were the right ones. If it really is okay to not have anything to show to others for what I’ve done with my time. Some days are very hard, some thoughts are very heavy. There’s a lot that I don’t know and a lot of things that I may never know. But here is what I do know:

 When I look back and think of everything I’ve been a part of and every person I’ve come into contact with, I know without a doubt that I would do it all over again. I know without a doubt that I can say I have poured out every thing I’ve had in pursuit of His kingdom, not always perfectly, but to the best of my ability. And the lessons I’ve learned, the growth that has occurred, the refining and molding that He has done…those things are irreplaceable. I know that those things aren’t always able to be shared and shown off in words. I know that He sees. And that we are called to do all things in a way that pleases Him.

So I don’t know if any of these words may speak to your life or your situation. I still have a lot to sort through to understand it all myself. But, if you’re in a place where you’re wondering if it’s worth it, if it has been worth it, if you should have more results to show for your effort…I would encourage you and remind you that we aren’t called to results, we aren’t called to standards of this world, we are called to be faithful and to walk in obedience. That’s the measurement of success for someone following Christ. If you love Him, you will obey Him, and if you obey Him then nothing else matters.

Several Confessions and a Challenge

I stumbled upon this today, and the words are as convicting as ever. I wrote this two years ago to my church family at the time, but it so appropriate for now- me now, my church now, my friends all over the world now. I hope this convicts, inspires, and encourages you into seeking him with passion. He is worthy of it.

~Beck

"God has been doing a lot of convicting and stirring in my heart these last couple weeks. I want to first confess to you, my church family, and second, knowing your hearts and love for Christ, to issue a challenge. Here we go:

“The Moravians (1730’s) were the first wave of Protestant missionaries to Africa. William Carey and Robert Moffat followed soon after. First they hit the coastlands, and they struggled to survive there. The missionaries of this era did not pack their belonging in crates, barrels, or suitcases. They packed them in their own coffins. They did this so that upon their death, their teammates wouldn't have to waste extra time in burying them. When these missionaries waved goodbye to their loved ones, it was for the last time, and they knew it.

The average life expectancy of missionaries in this time was two years, and yet they poured into Africa, willing to lay down their lives, determined to advance the Gospel, if only inch by inch. One African king saw the missionaries unloading their coffins, and he said, ‘What is it that would drive them to sacrifice their lives on this foreign soil?’ He had to find out, and he became a Christian because of their testimony- ‘because they loved not their own life.’ "

Confession: When it comes to being passionate about the gospel, I am failing. Now you may say, "Haha, Beck...whatever. You do all this mission work, you help all these people." Yes. Don't get me wrong. I am very passionate about the gospel, God has really burdened my heart. But when I hear stories like this, and I take a look at my life in comparison, it paints a very clear picture of my lack of passion for the gospel. It's easy to look around at what other people in the area are doing, or even other people across the country, and say 'Well, I'm doing pretty good, I'm working harder and doing more than most of these people.' But looking at some of these pioneer missionaries, or, dare I suggest it, looking at The Missionary- Christ, I am failing.
"But Beck, that's a little harsh don't you think." Is it? I'm genuinely asking. Is it? Because if it is, by all means, tell me. Please. But I'm afraid the truth is, it's not too harsh, it's just very very very uncomfortable. Because if it is true, if me, in all my endeavors, the amount of passion I currently have for missions and for spreading the gospel...If that is failing, then succeeding is going to be very hard, very costly.

Confession: I would much rather sit and read about what I should be doing, (and what the best strategy is to do it, and then contemplate and write how that might look, and how God might want me to live that out), then to get on my knees and ask Him what He would have me do. Why? Because I'm afraid He might answer. And I might not like it. Because it might be hard, costly, uncomfortable. It is so much easier to read about the problems, to think through the statistics and the numbers, to re-tweet and repost and share with other how we are failing. It is even easy to say "Ok, this is what needs to change in my life. I fail here, I need to step it up here." Because as long as I stay there, I am in control. I read it, I decided it was a change I should make, I thought about how I would make it, I decided it was doable, and I set out to do it.

Confession: I am not broken for the lost. I am getting there, sure, but I am not there. We (I) seem to think being broken for the lost means we pray for them or we go out of our way to hang out with them and show them Christians can be cool too. I do all these things, I'm an outstanding example of being intentional in reaching out to unbelievers. But I'm not broken for them. God has shown me that there is a HUGE difference in reaching out to the lost because we are supposed to and because He wants us to, and being broken for the lost because we are so like Christ that we share His heart and passion for the lost. Outside of these last few weeks I couldn't tell you the last time I was on my face in tears pleading with God for the salvation of someone else, nevertheless willing to take their place if they could only know Him. "I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers." (Romans 9:2-3)

Disclaimer: I am not just talking about a passion for foreign missions here. Yes, there is that need. But please understand that when I say I am pro-missions, I mean pro-gospel. Pro-Uganda, pro-homeless ministry, pro-church planting, pro-Sav-a-life ministry, pro-ladies ministry, pro-small groups, pro-discipleship, pro-reading and studying, pro-just hanging out and encouraging one another so that we are better prepared to minister. I am not saying all this so people will feel bad, sell everything and move to Africa, and I felt the need to say that because thinking that, it could be easy to read this and pass it off as that.

Challenge: Are we broken and passionate or are we failing? And dare we ask Him to reveal these truths about our hearts? We say we exist for those that are not yet worshiping, we say we are a people of hope, we say we believe God has us in this city at this time for a reason. We hear this fact every week: "There are 300,000 people in our city, lost without hope and destined for an eternity in hell apart from Christ." And we (me), nod our heads in agreement, and then we sing songs of worship, and then it's off to eat chips and dip.

We say we have living hope. We say ours is the only hope that will not fail. And we say that we are immediately, without travelling anywhere or doing anything, surrounded by 300,000 people every day that are in desperate need of this hope.

But do we really care?

God is showing me that I do not care. That I have not cared. And the scary thing that makes me sick in the pit of my stomach is this:I thought I did. And I was deceived.

If we as a body are not careful, then we will find ourselves deceived.

Are we broken? Are we passionate? And dare we ask Him to reveal the true, honest answers to these questions? I don't have the answers, and I don't know what this is supposed to look like lived out. I just know that I am not there, and He is painfully revealing my own heart to me, and changes have to be made."

Hebrews 10:23-24 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir one another to love and good works."

Writing About Being Stuck Writing About Doubt

"Write about my doubts, or don't?" A question I posed on twitter today. @LeanneStewart replied with 'Write about being stuck writing about doubts. Unpack it all, I bet others struggle with the same." Brilliant. So here you go:

Writing About Being Stuck Writing About Doubt

In the middle of doubt, or a season of doubt, you often feel alone. You feel isolated in a way, alone in your struggle. What will people think if I voice this? Why do I feel this way? Everyone else seems to have it together, why am I struggling with this? You think you are the only one that feels the way you currently feel. You think you are the only one that struggles with what you’re currently struggling with. And so you keep it to yourself-the worst way to deal with it.

People don’t understand, some people never will no matter how well you explain- we are all different. It’s hard to try your best to explain how you feel and then have people not understand or even worse misunderstand. It’s a vulnerable thing. You are in a place where you most need encouragement, support, and to know that you’re not alone. But because you already feel alone in your doubt and struggle, when people misunderstand, you feel even more alone in your doubt and struggle. It’s the ultimate ‘kick me when I’m down’ scenario.

We are continually led to believe that people will believe in us only if they are convinced we know what we are doing, we are confident in our decisions, and we have all the answers. People most respected in today’s culture are the people who have it all figured out. They have all the answers and so we follow them, because we don’t. They are the strongest, so we follow them because we are weak. They have no fear, and so we follow them because we have many fears. Here’s a secret- all people, no matter how well they make it look on the outside, have doubts, fears, weaknesses, and struggles. We do ourselves no good by trying to appear like we don’t. In fact, we hurt ourselves that way. We continue down that spiral of feeling alone in our struggle.

Here is the beauty of the gospel- we are free to admit our struggles, our fears, and yes- our doubts. We are free to admit we don’t have it together, we don’t have the answers, we don’t know it all. But Christ does, and we are in Him, and that’s a beautiful thing. We (the church) are a body of broken people, plagued with doubts and fears and struggles. But we’re living a life that is a process, everyday another step forward, and that’s what matters- that we continually move forward. Together, arms linked, marching into the very face of our doubts and struggles-not because together we are anymore powerful than we are on our own, but because we have the common bond of knowing that Christ is the only thing holding each of us together.

So here are a few thoughts I have about dealing with doubts:

1)      The second you share your doubts and struggles, you are set free from that ‘what will people think’ stuff, and it is such a freeing thing. No one has it together, and odds are that most people around you are also dealing with that same doubt, or have dealt with it in the past, or will deal with it in the near future. You are not alone.

2)      I don’t know how to make people understand when they don’t. I don’t know how to change people, I can’t. The only person I can change is myself. The only person you can change is yourself. So with that, I’m trying to be a more understanding person. Seeking to put myself in the other person’s shoes, taking time to genuinely listen to someone who has come to me with a problem. Above and beyond this-making time to listen in general and be there for people- not waiting for people to come to me but being proactive in making myself available and seeking out people that need to be listened to. (Some people have been vulnerable and misunderstood so many times that they have given up on trying to talk.)

3)      Deep down within us all we love the people that dare to show their weakness more than the people that seem to always have it together. Why? Because we can relate. So be relatable. Show your weaknesses, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, don’t be afraid to say when you don’t have the answers. It’s a process, and we’re all in it together. You're weaknesses let Christ shine through, more so than your strengths!

4)      Above all these things- God reveals himself to us in scripture as a REFUGE. A refuge is a place where a soldier goes in the midst of battle when he is wounded and in need of healing, weary and in need of rest, starving and in need of nourishment and energy, worn down and in need of comfort and rejuvenation of sprits. Think about this in light of your spiritual life. We so often see God as the last place to go in these moments- when we’re tired, hurting, weary, worn down. He is the first place we should run to…even with our doubts- specifically with our doubts. We can go to him, honestly, and say ‘I don’t know what you’re doing here, I don’t know why you’re letting this happen, I’m angry with you right now.’ Read the psalms! David is continually so honest with God that sometimes it catches me off guard. God sees our thoughts anyway- it’s not like we’re hiding anything from him. Like any relationship, strength comes from honesty. Go to him and tell him what is on your mind, vent to him, rant to him even. There is nothing that he wont listen to, there is nothing that he wont help you to figure out. The more open and honest you are with him, the closer you will feel to him, which is convenient seeing as how the closer you are to him the more your doubts and fears will fade away. 

So in conclusion to all this- personally, I've been very blunt with God about my doubts and feelings and the more honest I am with him, the closer I've gotten to him. I’m going to try and write more about my doubts, in the midst of my doubts. I’m going to try and share more of my doubts, while I’m still doubting and vulnerable. And I hope that somehow in doing this you will be encouraged to do the same. Let’s join together in our struggles- let’s be real about where we are. Let's challenge each other to be honest and to honestly share about our doubts, fears and struggles. Let's also challenge ourselves to be honest with Him. No one should ever feel alone, we’re not.

Kony2012

What do I think about Kony2012 and Invisible Children? I think I’m not an expert, and neither are you, so let’s all stop acting like we are. With that being said, I’m probably not going to address what you want me to. I’m not going to say what the solution is and I’m not going to attempt to tell you what you should do, because the truth is, I don’t know. But I do have some thoughts to share. People will always go with what is popular, until that popular thing becomes too popular, and then it’s not cool to agree with it so we have to start criticizing it. That’s the system, that’s what we do. Wherever you are on that spectrum right now think my thoughts will apply equally.

1)     We need to stop judging people that are doing something, when we are doing nothing. So the founders of IC make $80,000 a year. That’s sounds like a lot to us average college-aged 20-somethings, yes. But it’s not that much. And regardless of that, the job they do is worth the cash they make. This organization started out with three guys and a camera and now they are bringing in (and sending out) millions a year. That’s a big deal. They have reeled in Oprah, Ellen, Bill Clinton, George Cloony, Rihanna, and numerous other celebrities and public officials. They have raised awareness, they have raised money, and they have brought about change. They are good at what they do. Let them have their paycheck.  There is this thing in our culture that says anyone can make a lot of money except for humanitarians. I’ve encountered this personally with my fundraising ventures and work in Uganda. I can live a private life and spend as much money on anything that I want, but as soon as I ask people to consider supporting a project of mine, I can’t spend money on Starbucks, or (God forbid) new shoes. I’m a missionary, I’m a humanitarian, so I should be wearing potato sacks and going barefoot and giving away every last penny I have. It’s not fair.

As a person who has given every last penny she has to a cause she very much believes in, I want to say to the average person, YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT ALL GOES IN TO HEADING UP A PROJECT LIKE THIS. You have no idea what kind of a personal and emotional toll it can take to deal with everything that goes on. So let the men have their money, they are good at what they do. A best selling author or a platinum selling artist, etc is not criticized for their paycheck, let a good non-profit leader have the paycheck they deserve.

Don’t want to give to Invisible Children? Fine. Get in touch with me for a listof  organizations and  people who are on the ground in Uganda.  I have seen them, have worked side by side with them, and have seen the fruit of their projects.

2)      We need to stop blindly throwing money at projects without knowing where the money is going. No, something is not always better than nothing. That attitude a lot of times ends up hurting the people we are trying to help. I’ve been there and seen it happen. Doesn’t this contradict point #1? No? See point three:

3)      Social media is how our generation changes the world, it’s what we do. Isn’t it good that we’re raising awareness and talking about these issues, etc etc etc.

I agree with all of these types of comments. But social media and it's positives cannot be where we stop. Social media is an incredible tool that needs to be used but it's also something that is enabling our generation to be lazy. Humanitarian organizations are almost becoming consumer-driven. Whoever can convince us they’re worthy of our money, gets it. We know a little about everything so we don't have to know very much about anything. We are passionate about whatever cool cause comes along today but tomorrow we're on to the next thing. We dabble in 100 different causes because this one came out with the coolest video or this one has the trendy catch phrase and has our attention for the moment, but we're not dedicated to bringing about change. We can retweet and repost and we feel good because we're uniting to change the world, except we're not. Some of us are, yes, but most of us aren't.

Retweeting and reposting, status updates and online petitions- these are all extremely valuable things, but only if there is true passion behind them. We think passion means wearing the t-shirt, posting a status, maybe even making a donation. That's not passion, anyone can do that about anything. Passion is when you are so moved by something that you will do anything you can to change it. Passion generally moves you to take initiative. Change only comes when people are burdened for a cause or burdened with an idea and are dedicated to seeing it happen. And for my generation, I’m afraid that most of us aren’t.

IC is doing a great job and raising a ton of awareness on this issue in Uganda, but only because three guys were burdened for a cause and decided that they were going to create change. They are helping the rest of us know how to get involved and us getting involved is great. But what our world really needs is more people burdened about a specific issue and deciding to create change. Otherwise we just have a bunch of organizations spending a bunch of money on getting our attention. I know this because it is part of the type of things I’ve been doing for the last four years. You have to put together a good presentation to draw people in, you have to send out reminders to people to send money so they don’t forget, you have to take pictures and update your blog so that people will stay connected to you and your organization. You have to prove that you are worthy of people’s time and money. That’s just how it is, I get that, that’s how it works.

I’m a dreamer, I know, but I can’t help but think ‘what if’. What if people were so burdened for a cause that they didn’t have to be reminded to mail in a check but they had been thinking of the cause so much that they couldn’t wait to mail that check? What if people were so burdened for a cause that they reposted the video, yes, but they couldn’t stop there, they had to get out and do more? What if we stopped being consumers when it comes to doing good? What if we stopped trying to make it easy for people to get involved by presenting ways that they can donate without having to make much of a sacrifice? What if changing the world was actually a challenge that required real sacrifice…and so the people that were involved were 100% dedicated and the ones that weren’t up for that could get out of the way? I understand 'that's just not how it is'. I understand that the system is broken. But I've never been one to be completely complacent with working in a broken system. Manuver the system and get as much good as you can out of it- go post the video again, ask your friends to get involved, repost another article...these things help and we need to be involved in this. Let's stop Kony, by any means necessary. But let's also look at fixing the broken system, because there are a thousand Kony's in our world today, and they all need to be stopped. 

This war has been going on for 26 years. For 26 years little boys and girls have been kidnapped, beaten, raped, forced to kill, told that they are nothing and no one will ever love them. 26 years. And now it's a cool and trendy thing to unite and fight this battle so NOW we're all on board. That's great. It's about time. But what other wars are just starting? What other evils are being done right now that no one knows about? What are we ignoring right now because no one has had time to make an appealing presentation about it yet? DONT WAIT another 26 years to find about about these unseen evils happening today. GO DO SOMETHING.  Let's go out and find those things. Let's not let little girls in India be raped for another 26 years before we help them. Let's not let millions starve in North africa for another 10 years until some celebrity happens to pass thru on their vacation and take notice. Don't wait for someone to tell you what to do. YOU go find something that YOU can be passionate about today and be so burdened by it that you can't help but to get dedicated, to stick with it until REAL change has been brought about.

Real change starts with YOU. Go make something happen. 

Peace Doesn't Just Happen

Psalm 34:11-14 “Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it."

Seek peace. Pursue it. It doesn’t just happen. Peace is not the normal state of things. I think we tend to think that it is. We’re always consumed with these things that come up in life and disturb our peace. We can’t wait for this to be over with, or until that is done with, or until this is finished…so things can go back to ‘normal’, so we can get some rest, so we can have peace. We just want to have peace and we can’t right now because this person thinks this, this person is doing this, this person said this or wont do this or whatever it may be. If they would just do this then we would be at peace with things. Or maybe if we could just understand this situation we would have peace.

The list is unending.

Peace doesn’t just happen. Even for the Christian who has the sovereign Prince of Peace as their King. We have to intentionally seek peace. We have to pursue it. We have to continually fight against the things that threaten peace. Whether that is internally in our own thoughts and things we need to deal with concerning ourselves, or externally- a situation we need to stay away from, a person we need to distance ourselves from. Too many times I think as Christians we throw a Sunday school answer at things- Christ is sovereign, have peace. This is true, but all of your problems and negative emotions and bad habits don’t just go away the second you become a Christian. You have to deal with those things, sort through those things, and fight against those things.

What is disturbing your peace today? It’s not just going to go away. In fact, it might not go away at all. It might be that your attitude and the way you handle yourself around this thing is what needs to change. But whatever the case, you have to identify these things and you have to take action.

Peace isn’t a resting state. Peace is an intentional choice. And just because you are a follower of Christ doesn’t mean you get to tap into this immediate peace. There are times of peace, yes. There are times of just simply resting in Christ in the midst of very un-peaceful times, yes. But more times than not, peace is something you are going to have to fight for, something you are going to have to choose.

I choose to be at peace today. I choose to reject any thoughts that are not peaceful, that will stir up negative emotions. I choose to distance myself from situations in which I know I will end up getting caught up in something not peaceful. I choose to acknowledge that ultimately all peace belongs to Christ and by submitting to His authority and asking for His help, as I seek peace, He will pour His peace into my life and into my mind.

What is stopping you from having peace today? What are you going to do to be intentional about seeking peace?