My Words, My Voice

I've been trying to learn a good deal about boundaries lately, and by lately I mean the whole of 2012. I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and overall have a lot to share (in the future). One of the biggest challenges I've worked through and gotten a grasp on this year is the concept of individual responsibility. No matter how much you want to see someone change, no matter how much you want to save people you care about from making bad decisions, no matter how much you wish to help them get away from the consequences of those decisions, you can't. Some would even say you shouldn't.

If you know me at all, you know I am a Christian and have been heavily involved in ministry and volunteer/mission work for the last several years. I think this is an especially hard concept for people like me to grasp. Why? Because we have huge hearts and we easily take on other people's burdens. (Hold on, not tooting my own horn...). That may sound like a positive quality, and it can be. But it can also be a huge set back to actually helping and ministering to people. It's very easy to see a problem or a need, and to start a plan of action to fix it. It's a lot harder to look at the root cause of the problem or need and try to solve it in such a way that the situation wont repeat itself. It's ridiculously, incredibly, suck-the-life-out-of-you hard to realize that the answer and solution to the need or problem is to let the person in trouble work it out for themselves. In my experiences this is hard because people typically have to reach a point where they've hit bottom before they will stop and change they're behavior. That's really hard to see, really hard to watch. And for people gifted (cursed) with big hearts that easily empathize, makes you want to cut your own heart out just so you don't have to feel it.

If you've ever made a mistake or a bad decisions or a series of bad decisions (am I the only one?), then you know what I'm talking about. You learn sometimes more through failing than you do through a hundred conversations about how to do it right.

Now, I'm not an advocate of the 'I want to make my own mistakes and learn my own lessons' mindset. I think that's dumb. I want to 'stand on the shoulders of giants', learn and gain wisdom from other peoples experiences, mistakes, trial and errors, and get as far ahead as I can.But in my own life I have found that sometimes there is a fear of doing the wrong thing to the point that instead of doing anything, I think about everything. Every possible outcome, every way it could go wrong, every possible response and how I will in turn respond to that hypothetical response. I'm learning this has a lot to do with my personality type, but I'm also learning that all humans have all traits of all personalities (just at different mixtures and levels), so we can all typically relate.

About a year ago someone whose opinion mattered greatly to me told me that my writing was immature, that I was doing more harm than good, that I had a very influential 'voice' but that I was wasting it. Now before I go further, let me discourage those of you who are and have been fans for a long time from painting a picture of me as the epic heroine and Pulitzer prize winner while this evil being dared to attack my precious words. It's not like that. The criticism was given in a well meaning way, and the criticizer (although extremely off in timing, wordage, and method of delivery) did not at all (I think) know that their words would have such an impact. None of that matters to me now, or to you reading this post. My point is that those words were said, and they stuck, and I've been stuck since. I've been stuck worrying about how my words will be interpreted, what kind of reaction people will have and if I should change this or that to avoid that or this. I've worried if my thoughts and words are wrong, if it will lead people astray or give them the wrong view of a certain topic. I've even worried that my words will have too much influence on people- more influence than they should, over-riding other people's authority and opinions. All silly things. Why? Because of boundaries. While we need to be careful about what we say and always seek to use our influence wisely, ultimately, what other people do, think, feel, say...the ways they react...ultimately that's their area of responsibility.

I've grown, I've learned, I am learning still and hope to always be doing so. But I'm at the point of realizing and being confident in the fact that we learn as we go. We grow as we go. Two thirds of doing it right is doing it. Practice makes perfect. I could go on and on, but you get what I'm talking about.

I believe that words hold incredible power. I believe that for whatever reason outside of my understanding, my voice and my words influence people. I believe that you can't wait until you are absolutely sure of everything in the entire world before you form an opinion on anything. I'm learning to own my words. They are mine after all. And my voice, it is my voice. If I don't use it, I waste it. And sure, I'm going to say things and write things now that five years down the road I may realize I was completely wrong about. But that's okay, it's a part of life. And sure, people may get angry, or offended, or tell me that I'm wrong-there will be times when these people are right. But I can't let that overshadow the people that get encouraged, or inspired, or challenged, or comforted, or learn something new, or start asking questions that lead them in the right direction.

There is one voice that matters more than all the others, and I've been praying lately that it would be louder than all the others so that I can distinguish it clearly. I pray that people would be more intune and influenced by that voice's words than by mine, and that if they ever contradict mine would be tossed aside. I hope and pray to channel that voice in my words and my writings. If you read them, know that they wont always be right, they wont always be perfect, they wont always be worthy of your time. But I promise they will always be with good intentions and good motives, learning and improving as they go.