Finding Our Way

Today I’ve been working on the book I’m writing, planning out some cool-sounding blog posts and writing down my vision for future writing endeavors. It’s so easy to look at other bloggers and follow what they’re doing. It’s really easy to be ‘that person’ on twitter with the good 140 character punch lines of wisdom and the witty critiques on pop culture. If I strategize well it’s even easy to get extra traffic on my blog and pat myself on the back for a couple thousand reads. Scary thing: I can be ‘successful’ fairly easily without being real, and it’s a continual struggle to pull myself away from ‘being a writer’ and back to being Beck.

There are thousands of writers out there that are much better at writing than me. There are hundreds of people who can offer you better life advice and words of wisdom. Honestly, I don’t know why people read my words, but as long as they do, I want those words to be honestly 100% me. That's all I've got to offer. I have this suspicion, and it’s been part of my perspective on writing for as long as I can remember:

Every one of us is dealing with a struggle of some kind. If you’re not currently in this day, you will be in one day soon to come. But while we’re all struggling, and we would all admit that we’re equally human, we seem to think that we’re alone and most everyone around us has it together. We don’t talk about our struggling in an effort to blend in, but by not admitting it we’re just making both ourselves and other people feel alone.

I want to write about the great things God is doing in my life. I want to write about the cool things that are to be found in theology, the wisdom I’ve picked up so far about living this Christian thing out, and encouraging words that will inspire people to do something amazing with their lives… But there’s more. Because like I said there are tons of other people writing those same things that can do it much better than me.

I want you to know that I struggle. I want you to know that I’m afraid. I want you to know there are days when I’m absolutely clueless.

I am twenty-six years old and I’m still not quite sure where I’m heading yet. There are days when I worry that I will never figure it out. There are times when it seems that everyone around me knows what they are doing in life and how they are going to do it and I’m the only one that is still fumbling around for a plan.

There are days when I feel so out of place, like I don’t belong in this culture, this group of people, this city, and sometimes even this world. There are days when I feel like I never will.

There are days when the constant pressure of looking right and being successful gets to me and I get tired of being different.

There are days when I want to be selfish, and do nothing except what will make me personally happy.

There are days when I’m praying and have to stop and ask myself, ‘Do I really believe that there is someone out there listening to me? Do I really believe this being I call God created the universe and is in control of time and space and eternity and yet cares about the details of my life?'

There are days when I don’t want to love, forgive, care, or even try for that matter.

There are days when God is the last person I feel like being around or talking to or thinking of.

I don’t have all the answers. And in all honesty I don’t have most of the answers. Most days I don’t even know if I’m asking the right questions.

I just want to share that. Because as much as I believe that God has a plan, as much as I am crazy passionate about making this plan known, as much as I believe that we have every reason to be joyful and no reason to fear or doubt, I’m not always confident and positive and overflowing with warm fuzzies. And that’s okay. I want you to know that it’s okay. It is okay to doubt. God is not offended by your questions. It is okay to be afraid. There will be times when you worry and stress and cry. There will be times when you don’t want to try, and times when you are trying and want to quit.

The important thing is that you keep going.
Embrace the doubt. Embrace the fear. Can I even suggest that you take it to God? He's not afraid of our honest thoughts.

Whatever it may be- face it. Whatever you need to say, say it. But then keep going.

A lot of people may seem like they have it together. A lot of people may seem like they have good answers. But the truth is that all of us are scared at times, and all of us are a little bit clueless. We are all trying to find our way, no matter how far along we are.

Inward Seasons

Ever been involved in some crazy good work for the gospel? Maybe mission projects & travelling, a new ministry, teaching, leading in some sort, or any other kind of hands on ‘making big things happen’ type of work? Ever been trekking along in this and then out of no where it seems to come to a halt, or something happens and God seems to have pulled you out of the middle of it all and into something a little more, well...boring? This post is for you.

If you are like me, you are all or nothing when it comes to the things you are involved in. I’m a dreamer. When I catch a glimpse of what He wants me involved in, I run with it. My mind comes up with the biggest goals, the ‘craziest’ possibilities, and I believe Him to be faithful in bringing those about. I think this is good. I have been a part of some incredible happenings so far in my pursuit of following Christ. I have shaken things up and created some real change. I have blazed past the status quo things church people typically settle for and pushed for greater and bigger. Sometimes God allows these little glimpses of what could be into our minds, sometimes He calls to us to jump and see what He will do. It can be pure exciting, adrenaline-rushing, life-as-it-was-meant-to-be, adventure.

Sometimes, however, God calls us away from an outward focused mission like these and into an inward mission of restoration and healing. As crazy, busy, and work-filled as these outward missions and visions can be, the seasons of inward work can be a lot more intense. In fact, they can be outright draining, and many times we are not aware of what is actually happening. It can seem like we have done something wrong. We are not seeing the growth that we want in our ministry. We are praying to be used in big ways, but the types of opportunities we used to have don’t seem to be opening up anymore. Is something wrong with us? Where is the disconnect? Is God done with us? Were we crazy?

If we are not careful, we will get stuck in several thought-traps. We may feel guilty because we can’t seem to ‘get it together’ and get back to whatever it was we were doing before when ‘big’ things were happening. We may feel exhausted because we’re continuing to try and force those big things to happen. We may embrace a stubborn pride and a ‘secret life’ because inside we’re falling apart but outside we’re determined to keep up a good appearance until we figure out what’s going on. We may become angry, frustrated, and ultimately disconnect from God because He seems to not be answering our prayers to be used. We may become resentful of others because no matter how much effort we put into ‘helping’ others we don’t seem to be seeing any results. In the end, we may begin to doubt our calling, purpose, and even identity because nothing seems to be clear anymore.

In these times we need to stop trying to run so fast and simply stop and listen. Where is He at work and what is He wanting to show us? Sometimes we clearly see what He is showing us and our reaction is 'Eh, yeah, but uhh, that is not such a big deal, it doesn't really effect me that much, plus there are all these people that need this, and this project over here..' We need to submit, obey, and commit ourselves to working with Him, on ourselves. We need to remember that our calling is to Christ, not to a place or a ministry or a project. Where He goes, we follow, and sometimes He stops walking forward, turns around, and looks into our hearts. We have to follow Him there as well. When we achieve the healing and restoration that we need for the next step, the outward call will come again.

One of the things I’ve begun to look for before giving my respect to anyone in an authoritative position is what they are learning. Don’t show me your degree, or tell me what you have been teaching or ‘doing’. Tell me what He has been teaching you. Tell me how what 'ouch, that hurts a little' lessons He has been giving you.

How has He been working on you? Too many of us as leaders are guilty of not being able to answer that- we’re too busy ‘working’ on others.

Sanctification is a process. He grows us, uses us, then grows us some more. We are in for a continual process of learning, sharing out of what we have learned, and then learning a little more. I think this is intentional as a way to fight against our pride. It is easy to slip into the mindset of "understanding" God and the Bible and knowing exactly what people need to hear or do or be taught in their current situation. We will never have it all together. If you think you do, I would caution you to check yourself. There is never a point that comes when we have arrived and get to coast and pour out for the rest of our life, as if we’ve learned it all and now it’s our time to instruct others. If we keep in mind that we are currently learning something new, He is currently working on us in new and deeper ways, we will remain humble in our approach to sharing with others.  

I’ve found the most rewarding times are when He moves through us and enables us to speak out of what we have learned and into the lives of others. We can’t continue in that if we don’t continue to let Him teach us. If we stubbornly refuse to look within when He points something out to us, if we wallow in the inward seasons instead of facing our issues and confronting the problems that He is calling to our attention, we will never move forward.

So take heart! Is God calling you to an inward-focused season of personal growth and healing? Are there deeper issues that He is leading you to face? Identify them and begin to face them. It may be hard, scary, painful, and something that seems really inconvenient. You may simply want to get back to pouring out and accomplishing great things and fixing other people. But there is always a bigger purpose. He knows, He sees, and His working on us is always very intentional. Great things are to come.

Dear Miley?

I wanted to share my thoughts after reading several of these Miley/VMA posts because I've had many thoughts that no one else seems to have expressed yet. These thoughts are not meant to instruct Miley on how to live her life or to solve the problems of the entertainment industry, nor are they meant to critique the christian world's reaction or debate any previous views that have been posted. I simply hope that by sharing my personal reflections, it will cause other’s to reflect and we will all be challenged to examine our own lives in better and different ways.

There are four main types of posts I've come across:

1)   The OMG I’m shocked posts… ‘I can’t believe MTV would put that on tv’, ‘What is the world coming to?’ I get it, I really do. But at this point are we truly surprised? Maybe if you are less exposed to or less involved in mainstream music, tv, and media, you honestly don’t know. But I don’t see how anyone can be surprised. These things have been displayed, promoted, and celebrated in our society for quite some time, it’s nothing new. Beyond that, my thoughts keep going back to this-our hearts are evil, and when left unchecked they run wild.  We know this, we say this, we agree with this. But when we see this on display we act shocked. We expect people to act according to a belief system they don’t claim, and we act disgusted and appalled when they don’t. (I know someone’s going to argue something about just because we live in a sinful world doesn’t mean we should accept it, so let me go ahead and acknowledge- there is a difference in celebrating sin and fighting sin through following Christ.) I will touch on this a little further down..

2)    Judgmental ‘Dear Miley’ posts… “Dear Miley, I’m so disappointed”, “Dear Miley, I hope you straighten up soon” and so on and so on. First of all, let’s call it what it is- Miley’s not going to see it so you’re really just trying to sound cool for ‘likes’ and ‘retweets’ sake.

Second,  we love to make these statements that establish a line between ‘us’ and ‘them’, between ‘me’ and ‘her’. Am I alone? When we see these things there are subconscious thoughts of how someone (like us) needs to tell her (him, them) a thing or two. God must be so angry at this blatant display of sin, I’m sure glad I’m not like that. And this is probably the concept that has most been on my mind- the sin that is celebrated and portrayed on MTV and all other entertainment media is no more sinful than the sin that daily sits in the dark corners of my heart.

Miley and I (and you) are not much different from each other when it comes to our human condition. We were born into sin. We willingly choose to seek after our fleshly, human, desires. We enjoy and celebrate our sinful pursuits because they bring us pleasure. And we are stupid, stubborn, and hopelessly lost in pulling ourselves out of the cycle.

Miley’s stripping down and dancing in front of millions on a stage in an effort to secure attention and acceptance is no more offensive to God than when I tweet cool quotes and verses in an attempt to secure attention and acceptance. Miley’s dancing all up on Robin Thicke is no more sinful than the lust that I have to continually fight against in my thoughts in certain situations. Miley’s seeking refuge in the party scene, sexual ‘freedom’, drinking and drugs, is no more shocking then my own season of seeking refuge in those things.

You see, Miley and I, we’re pretty much the same. The only difference is the transforming work of Christ and the Grace that I am learning to accept. He is daily transforming me into His likeness, but my heart is continually prone to wander away. There is a war within me every day, every minute-my flesh and His spirit working out these things within me. I am daily reminded that the only good in me is the work that Christ has accomplished on my behalf.

These are sobering thoughts. And if we really let them sit in, they change the way we view Miley, and Robin Thicke, and Lady Gaga, and everyone else we’re so quick to point a finger at.

3)   The "Dear daughter, let this be an example’ and “We have to protect our kids!” posts... I don’t want to offend anyone (but I usually do anyway). I’m not a parent. I’m not telling you how to raise your kids. But seeing people say ‘this is why my kids aren’t allowed to watch tv, listen to this music’ etc etc blows me away. Should you let your young children watch the VMA’s or listen to current hits about drugs and sex? No, I get that. But the whole concept of ‘retreat and restrict’ ‘don’t let them see it, don’t expose them to it’ so they wont end up the same way? I don’t think that’s correct either because of the logic from above- restricting what your kids watch and don’t watch will not guarantee they pursue a godly lifestyle. Authority, affirmation from parents, boundaries, guidelines, instruction…kids need all these things ‘train up a child in the way he should go’…but ultimately, if your kid does not accept and trust in the saving power of Christ, they can be as separate from the worldly influences as you can possibly get them, and still be completely tainted by their sinful heritage. Your daughter IS Miley. Your son IS Robin Thicke or (2 Chainz or whoever you most label as 'them over there'). That sinful spirit is already inside of their adorable little body and it’s just a matter of time before it takes on that same expressive shape, without the saving and transforming power of Christ taking over. So let’s not get prideful in our parenting techniques, let’s not brag on how our kids will never be like that or will never act that way or have a good head on their shoulders. If you’re trusting in your parenting strategies or your kids’ common sense to ensure their spiritual health, you’re in for tragic disappointment.

4)    The “I’m sad about the state of the world”, “I’m broken and sad for Miley” posts... I’ll go ahead and admit- I felt sad while watching. My thoughts went to many of the same places that these did- the brokenness of this world, the little girl inside of Miley that is searching for something, the fact that this life holds so much more satisfaction than anything these celebrities will find through their career. But this thought has really hit me hard…it’s easy to feel sad, it’s even easy to pray for Miley or pray for these few famous people, and then log off and carry on with our day. What real difference did we make? What real difference are we going to make? I feel for Miley and a hundred other people ‘out there’, but who am I burdened for ‘in here’? In Mobile, in my city, in my circles of influence-work, family, even church circles. There are girls all around me that need love, affirmation, attention, and just someone to invest in them. Beyond girls specifically, there are people all around all of us that are struggling and hurting. Everyone is looking for acceptance, everyone is looking for encouragement. Ultimately, everyone is looking for the only thing that can satisfy- life in relationship with the God that created them. This expresses itself in many many ways- drugs, alcohol, sex, money, relationships, various hobbies, careers, volunteer work, even church work….but we’re all trying to fill a spot that is very empty inside of us. It all comes back to the simple fact that we were meant to live life in relationship with our Creator and we need the truth of the gospel daily- we can't get to God, God came to us. Those of us who have been reconciled through Christ know this. We have knowledge of the Hope that the rest of the world needs. Who are we sharing it with?

These are my thoughts. Thanks for reading.

That's Just How It Is

This is a eulogy that has taken me three years to write
This is the first handful of dirt tossed onto a coffin containing what once was
I still tap my eggs twice before I crack them,
I automatically listen to the last song on an album first
And my dance moves, well, they’re still imitations of the ones you taught me
Every time someone compliments my taste in music I laugh because they have no idea that you taught me how to find the rarest bands and appreciate the strangest sounds

People say to guard your heart, and that means a hundred different things
Today there is a little empty place in my heart that has become full
It’s no longer filled with the void of where you were,
It’s become full of the joy of having known someone beautiful
I will never regret letting you in
You’re a part of the person that I am
I don’t know if that’s how it’s supposed to be,
That's just how it is.

Don't, Don't, Don't...What about DO?!

Hang with me while I remind you of some fairly popular passages:

James 3:6-12 (Excerpts) "The tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell...no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing..."

Ephesians 4:29 "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up..

There are many more, but for the sake of time, we'll leave it there. You get the point, and you know what I'm referring to. We hear all the time about the importance of guarding your tongue, watching your speech, how dangerous the tongue is, etc. All these things are true and I couldn't agree more. I'm a writer, I deal in the economy of words. But I feel like I have a little different perspective that most of us tend to overlook.

We are told our words hold the power of life and death, and we're cautioned to contain the death. What about the life?

One of the bigger frustrations you'll hear from a lot of believers is how we focus on the do not's (don't smoke, don't drink, and don't say the word sex) but we don't focus near as much on the do's.
 

If we're doing the "do's" we won't be doing the "do not's", it's a win/win.
 

Back to our words. Words were meant to have power. We see this modelled from our Creator. He spoke and things happened. Things were created. Life was started. Relationship was developed. Identity and purpose were given. Humans, being created in the image and likeness of God, are the only piece of creation to use words. Many things communicate in many ways, we alone have words.

How are we using our words? Not just how well are we containing our negative words, but how are we being intentional with speaking life and truth into those around us?
 

If our words truly hold the power of life and death, and if we are truly ambassadors of Christ, and if we really truly believe that we are surrounded by people who are dying and in need of the hope of the gospel- why aren't we using our words?

Maybe you struggle with containing negative words. Even though I'm an introvert, I get it. My words don't always vocalize, but they are always taking on a very LOUD thought form. Then there is the aspect of social media, it's so easy to 'speak' whatever junk is in my heart on that current day. Maybe you don't struggle with that at all but you talk about pointless things and never consider being intentional with your words. Maybe you're consistently speaking 'good' things, spiritual things, but you're not directing them into anyones life...they're just floating around out there.

We have to get intentional. Don't know where to start in being intentional? Intentionally pray. He will show you.

Where do you struggle most with words?

 

 

He Wrote Me In His Book

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:16

I'm a writer. I have a 'book'. To see my life put into these terms is so fun for me because I get it. I can see God opening a giant Moleskine, pulling out a ridiculously cool pen, and beginning to scribble down the details of the character that would be me. I can see Him afterwords speaking these words and as they fall off of His lips, I begin to be knitted together piece by piece.

When I write, I take a while and jot down different pieces of what I want to include. Every piece of poetry and every blog has a different feel. I'll write down a piece here and there and then come back to it when I have more. Eventually all the pieces fit together just write and I know it's right- it's finished. When it's finished I have a book that I copy it down into. When it's gone into that book, it's ready to be displayed and shared with the world. It was formed and written before it existed as it is now known.

Our very days were formed for us before we ourselves were formed. He gazed upon our unformed substance (whatever that means) and thought over what our life would entail. He thought through what characteristics we would have, what events would take place and how that would shape us, who we would cross paths with, what we would accomplish. He formed our days, He numbered them, and He gave them to us. Not one extra day will be added, not one taken away.

Some may take this in an offensive way. There are a hundred questions this could stir up. You're saying God's a puppet master and we're just pawns in this big game of the universe? How can we be held responsible for our actions if He's set into motion our very personalities and characteristics?

I don't know.

I do know this. The fact that my days were formed for me and written into His book before I existed brings me much comfort for two reasons:

1. I'm not in control. Maybe you're a control freak (I struggle not to be). But the thing I have to remind myself is that the more control I have, the more I have to worry about. Think about it. The more responsibility you have, the more things you are in sole control over, the more you have to hang on to and grapple with. The more you are at risk of losing control of. The more potential chaos and destruction. To know that my days were laid out and handed to me and that yes, I have decisions to make, but ultimately it's not in my hands...that brings me so much peace.
2. This concept brings an incredible sense of purpose to my life. Now, I don't always know the details of that purpose. But if you're like me, there are days were it seems like life is pointless. It feels like I have no purpose, like I'm not needed, like...honestly, I'm really screwed up and I'm the only person on the planet that has no idea what they are doing. These words bring everything back into focus- my days were formed. I have been allotted a specific span of time in which I will exist, and it was not an accident that I was created, but an intentionally planned thing. I have a purpose, my purpose was set into place before I was set into place, and it has all been written out into His book. Nothing but the very hand of God can alter these things.

Knowing that your days were formed, knowing that your days have been written into the very book of God, how does that change the way you see yourself? How does that bring a sense of purpose into your life? What steps can you take to live in a way that will more reflect these things?

Just A Journal Entry

Just a journal entry:

"God's hand is very evident in my life. By that I mean His faithfulness- to mold and chisel and pull back every layer that is in the way of me being fully His, fully free, fully surrendered. Still struggling. Still praying. Still learning. But I'm seeing that He is leading my through it all, and re-learning that He is truly trustworthy. I can rely on Him to look out for me. He will do whatever is necessary to keep me seeking Him, and often times it will hurt- that tearing me away from whatever it is that I'm holding onto in place of Him. But I know that He is for me. He is keeping me. And therefore I can give the hurt up to Him and ask for His help in pushing through and learning on the way. I find myself craving wisdom lately- wanting to be able to speak words of life into people and situations all around me- and realizing that this type of wisdom comes not from books or classes, but from walking through the hard things hand in hand with Him and allowing Him to speak into my life in such a way that touches on my deepest hurts and fears."

Come Quickly

Today is a day where I wrestly with my thoughts.

I know, Christians are supposed to embrace the joy of the Lord at all times and everything is supposed to be perfect and happy and fall into place all the time.

Let's get real.

Maybe I'm just that messed up, but more days than not I am struggling to simply keep my head above water and push forward.

Today is a day where I'm fighting to understand what in the world He is up to.

I feel like I have served Him faithfully and have been left in the metaphorical dust.

Life is very heavy.

 There is an incredible weightiness of responsibility to face, and to face completely on my own. Decisions to make that I have no clue about and no guidance or advice in making them.

I don't feel a sense of belonging or connectedness anywhere. There's no safe place.

It's all overwhelming and I don't understand why He has me here.

But I'm quickly reminded that He does in fact have me here.

I believe that with all that I am. The words that He has previously spoken to my heart are such that I choose to believe and cling on to, even when every current aspect of life makes them seem untrue.

I don't understand what He is doing, but I choose to believe that He is doing.

He is faithful. His promises stand strong. He completes what He starts.

For some reason far beyond my understanding, He chose to start something in me several years ago.

His is the truest and purest love I've ever known.

So I will keep wrestling.

Come quickly, Lord. Come quickly.

Invisible

You see this body
You hear these words
You know this person
But not me
I'm in here
Hidden beneath the surface
Kept inside of this cage we call flesh
Invisible

TV

I said it.

I'm going there.

I'm cringing.

Here we go:

I've been thinking a lot lately about time. How fast it goes by, how best to manage it, how to make the most of it. This life is so short and I want to make the most of it while I'm here.

These words challenge me:

If time was money, would you spend it the same way?

 

 

Dang. I mean, really. Ouch.

We could talk about time with many different specific categories. But right now tv is on my mind, and more specifically netflix.

 

Now I've been a part of conversations (and I've supported the logic) making the point that netflix/tv is an escape, and for some people that go and go and go and are consistently having to think of heavy things, it is the only escape they can get. Some of us have minds that just wont stop and so it's actually helpful to have something that forces you to veg out for a bit. I get that, I can relate.

 

I've also been a part of conversations where people are almost bragging at how many season of such and such they have watched in one week, or how they spent the entire day in their pjs watching the newest season of ______. Let me be the first to say 'Guilty!' I've done it. I'm with you.

But my heart sometimes whispers that there's more.

 

When we get to the end of our life, and we, as believers, stand before Christ face to face and begin to give an account for everything that our life has held, what will our thoughts be? We tend to think of that moment as us standing with head turned down while He replays scene by scene all the opportunities we had that we passed up, or all the times we chose to do the wrong thing. Then after He's done we stand there in shame as He says 'but it's okay, I love you anyway' and welcomes us in. (Relief! Wheew.)
 

What if instead of that, we're the ones doing the talking? What if instead of Christ giving us a performance review, we get a chance to give him a performance summary? What if we get to be like the kid coming home from school with a brand new art project to show dad? We've labored, we've made a lot of sacrifices, and now we get to show Him what we've done with the things He entrusted to us.

 

What if we get to present all the things we've done to honor the One who redeemed us?

This puts a different perspective on how I spend my time.

When I stand before Him and give an account of what my life has held, I want to have as much to talk about as I possibly can. Not because I want to brag on myself, but because He is worth it.

 

When we are face to face with the God, made man, that gave His life for us, and we get to show Him what we've done for Him, will we wish that we watched a couple more seasons of _____?

 

These thoughts are challenging to me. What about you?

I Am Waiting

I am waiting,

Cause there is nothing else to do,

Everything I am and have, 

I hand it up to You

So will you take me?

You say that You make all things new,

Well I'm torn apart and bleeding,

So tell me, is it true?

Can You heal me?

Can you take this mess I'm in?

Can you fix this?

Will I ever smile again?

My heart is heavy,

And my eyes cannot see light,

Is morning ever coming?

Is there an end to this dark night?

My thoughts are racing,

And I do not understand

How painful things can somehow have a purpose in Your plan
But I will trust You,
You are faithful,
You are good
I asked You not to leave me,
And You swore You never would
So I will wait here
I'll stand my ground and wait for You
You are my God,
And all Your promises stand true
Yes, I will trust You
I'll cling to truth and fight off lies
Because no matter how it seems I'm being watched by sovereign eyes
Come quickly,
Wrap me tight in Your embrace
Wipe my tears,
And let me gaze upon Your face
My highest treasure,
You hold my heart,
You hold my hand,
And You will finish what you start
So I am waiting

 

 

 

New Seasons

Summer has just begun here in Mobile, Al. This week school got out and people headed in mass towards the beach. The weather is beautiful (although we all know the heat is coming), and tags such as #Summer2013 have begun popping up all over social media.

I have had a lot of thoughts about this new season. Besides the actual change of season, there are several things that have changed in my personal life, relationships, and routine this month. Some things have come to a close, some things have begun. There are aspects of myself that I have done away with and new things I am venturing into exploring. There are goals of things I wish to accomplish over the next few months and goals of things I hope to not be dealing with at the end of the next few months. All this to say, I've been dwelling on thoughts of change and improvement.

Some seasons, like Summer, are handed to us, and whether we want to or not, we are going to go through them. Some seasons though, are up to us to initiate. This life is short, we have to be intentional. Are you in need of some major changes? Are you living life to the fullest or does time seem to be flying over your head? It's never too late to initiate a new season.

Make a list:
1) Things about your life that you're not happy with.
2) Things you've always been interested in but have never taken time to experiment with.
3) People you want to know better but you never invest time with.
4) Personal issues, bad habits, struggles, etc, that you want to overcome.
5) New things you want to push yourself to try.

Embrace new things. Embrace change. Start a new season.
What's on your list?

Things As They Seem

There will be days where it seems like everyone has left.
You will feel completely and totally alone.
You will feel your aloneness so intensely, you will start to feel yourself separating from planet earth and beginning to float away.
You will want to cry out but as you begin to, you realize that no one is listening.
 

You can see them, all of them, from the air, getting smaller by the second as you rise a little higher. They are running around, busy, involved and invested in very serious things that can't wait.
You know if you don't cry out now, you will be far out of range for anyone to hear and all hope will be lost, but you keep quiet. You keep quiet for a few more seconds, accepting your fate and preparing for whatever is about to happen next.

But you can't. They're right there! Maybe if they knew they could help. If you could just get them to look up, surely they would see you! So you try to speak up, but no words come out.
Maybe it's the change in the atmosphere around you or maybe some other invisible force is holding you back.
Besides, as reality sets in you realize you are too far gone for any of them to help you. To cry out now would be to make a spectacle of yourself..."Hey, I'm in trouble here but no one can help so just gather round and watch how it's all going to fall apart!" So you resign yourself to floating.

At least this way no one will know.
At least this way no one will see you in this condition.
Maybe this will end quickly.
Maybe you will hit something that will stop you.
Maybe it's not so bad as it first seemed.
Maybe it's better this way.

You start to get comfortable.
Darkness sets in and you grow cold.
You feel less, but it's easier that way.
You stop fighting.
Your eyes get heavy.
Every blink lasts a little bit longer.
You take a deep breath, in and out.
In, and out.
In and...-that moment when your lungs are as full as they can get something inside you snaps: No.

No!

Arms and legs flailing, eyes jolted open, you realize that this is not okay.
You cannot resign and give up, you will not go out without a fight.
So you scream. You scream with everything you have just hoping that maybe you're still close enough for someone to hear.
Just maybe they can still see you and just maybe they will be willing to reach out and pull you back in.
You scream until your very soul seems to be shaken.

And then, you feel someone's hand on your shoulder and you jump.

You feel another hand on your arm and you realize your eyes are shut.

You open them and to your amazement you are on the ground and surrounded by hundreds of people all staring straight at you with wondering eyes.

"Are you alright?"
"Do you need help?" 

 

There will be days when it seems like everyone has left.
You will feel completely and totally alone.
You will feel your aloneness so intensely- but things are not always as they seem.

Cry out!
Open your eyes.
Realize you're surrounded. 

Dodging Apathy

Will you accept my honesty,
When there's nothing here but apathy?
When this heart is cold and hard,
When my sin has carried me so far?
When the pressure and weight of my own control has taken my passion and drained my soul?
When I'm tired and broken, confused and worn out,
Will you save me again?
Will you pull me from doubt?
I do what I don't want and what I want I can't achieve,
I want to say I want you, but even in that I feel decieved.
I think about these words all day, they're here, relentlessly.
Let's stop playing, I'll drop the mask, this is the real me:

I'm tired of broken and depraved people having more effect on me than the One who gave his life so that I could know him.
I'm tired of wallowing in my sin and my shame and these emotions that say they have control.
My chains are gone, I have been set free. Nothing holds power over me anymore.
And yet I sit, with the shackles of bondage and slavery now broken but still resting on my ankles, waiting to be shaken off.

I sit, because "it's too hard" and "no one understands" and "I'm tired".
And although you hung off a tree, held up by only the spikes driven through your flesh...I can't find the motivation to shake off these shackles that your blood crushed loose and step out of this mess I find myself in.
I'm tired of myself, but not tired enough to change.
I'd rather sit in my apathy and my moaning and my sin.
"It's so hard." "Why am I this way?" "I don't know what to do." "I just don't understand."
There are a million other words I can continue to say to make myself feel the pain and fear and heaviness of the spot I'm in.
And as silly as it sounds, as bad as pain and fear and heaviness are, they are familiar. And familiar is comfortable.
And so I sit.

The truth is there are many unknowns and a lot of those unknowns will be unknowns for the rest of this life.
The equal truth is there are a few knowns that override every possible unknown, and for the life of me I don't know why I can't stay focused on those.

You are sovereign.
You are good.
You love me.
You are the only thing that remains eternally stable and unchanged.
You are the only thing worth investing my whole self into.
You are the answer, in every situation, even when there is no answer to the situation.
You are peace, you are joy, you are every good thing.

But my wandering heart, and my restless flesh,
My thoughts that entertain a million other things than the One that can quiet them all,
They are ruthless, they chase after me in an endless pursuit.
And I'm tired.

Shake It Off

Shake it off- all of it
Every word, every memory

Brush it off

Just like the dust you wipe off the top of a bookshelf

Let if float through the air, fading from your memory,

Falling slowly, just like you fell for him

Peacefully unaware of what is happening or what the final destination will be

The cold floor, among many other things that were swiped to the side,

Just like you

You.
Your hands were as comforting as the outside of a paper cup filled with freshly brewed coffee.

But your feet, it was as though they bore metal spikes at the bottom, and every step you took closer punctured me just a little deeper
It wasn’t noticeable then, there was no pain
Until one day you walked away,
Leaving me here with a heart full of holes,
Instead of blood it seems like the very essence of my existence poured out.
I was like a life-raft, deflating by the second, getting swallowed by the sea as this reality set in.

It was all my fault really,

Or that’s what they said
I thought surely the ten foot stone walls of fortress I put up would keep you out
But somehow you managed to climb over
You were determined
But then unsure
And then sure what you wanted wasn’t here

But that’s okay, Everyone makes mistakes

To know what you want you have to know what you don’t want
So am I the mistake?
That’s a little hard to swallow

But nevermind,

Let the dust settle,
Shake it all off

The "Gift" of Singleness

I’ve heard many people share thoughts on the ‘gift of singleness’. I could say a lot, but I’m going to try and limit my words because I’m sure most of you have heard more than an ear full of these same people’s thoughts. Most people refer to the gift of singleness as a specific calling in life. If you aren’t dating someone or just can’t seem to find the right person people will encourage you with ‘well, maybe you have the gift of singleness’. My thoughts on this are different than most (go figure). People have asked me before if I think I have the gift of singleness. I reply by saying, well, I’m single, so yes. This isn’t what they mean of course. They mean do I think I will be single for my whole life. To which I reply, ‘who on earth knows?’ Seriously. I don't even know what will happen in my life tomorrow, nevertheless every day for the rest of my life. If you are single, you have the gift of singleness. If you are married, you have the gift of marriage. If you have kids you have the gift of parenthood. If you have a job, you have the gift of employment. If you have two legs, you have the gift of walking. I could go on and on.

The ‘gift’ aspect of singleness, is just like the ‘gift’ aspect of any other thing we have been given. Everything we have is a gift from our Creator, and a gift that we have the privilege of ‘gifting’ back to Him. We get to use our gifts, whatever they are, to bring Him glory, however that looks. Being single is a gift. It is a unique gift that presents specific and unique ways to be used to bring Him glory. It isn’t a certain calling. It isn’t necessarily a life-long status, but it is most definitely not just a season of waiting.

Being single doesn’t mean that I am ‘still under construction’. There isn’t some piece to my life that is missing. My life is complete and whole right now, just as it is. To live is Christ, to die is gain. I am whole in Him. He has redeemed my broken and empty life and given it purpose and meaning. How that plays out in detail will change throughout different seasons of my life, and I may receive different gifts with which to glorify and serve Him throughout those different seasons. But now, here, in this season, I am not incomplete, I am not half of a person, and I am not only halfway fulfilling my calling. I am living in the moment, 100% embracing what is right in front of me, and following step by step after the Spirit, trusting Him to direct me in everything no matter the context.

I am happy here and now, because my life has meaning and purpose because of Christ. That doesn’t mean I have a special calling to be single. That means that there is a primary goal in my every day life, there is a primary relationship that keeps me stable and at peace, and it all revolves around the person of Jesus Christ. Dating and eventually marrying someone isn’t going to bring me complete happiness. It won’t solve my problems, give me the answers to life’s deepest questions, or introduce me to a higher level of life that I’ve been missing out on. There is no man, no matter how good, kind, in love with Jesus, or pure in heart, that can bring me those things and it is totally unfair and unrealistic to expect them to. I’m not man-bashing. Too many people in the church do that these days. ‘You don’t need a man, you just need Jesus.’ ‘They aren’t worth anything these days anyway.’ I hate these kind of comments. I need to be encouraged, led, protected, cherished, reminded of my worth, affirmed in my purpose, and all these other things that typically come from a relationship. I’m a girl, I’m created that way. There is very much a role in my life for a man to fill, there is a need there for that type of a relationship. The things is, it is not my highest need. It is not a role that is going to change my ability to serve my Savior if left unfilled. That’s keeping it in perspective.

For me, dating and marriage are about finding someone with whom you will be able to serve Christ with in a better way than you can do alone. What I mean by that is that I am striving to serve Christ to the best of my ability, hopefully my potential husband is doing the same, and if it so happens that we can best serve Christ together in more and better ways than we are doing alone, then praise God. But the ultimate goal in my life, and what should be true of all of us, is to glorify Christ to the best of my ability. I don’t need to wait to date or get married to do that.  

My relationship status is not attached to my identity. The cool thing about that? I’m free from that bondage. If you’re not careful it will affect every aspect of your life and your relationships. I can pursue friendships with guys and enjoy the process of learning about them and how Christ has changed their life. I can let them challenge my views on life and my faith and learn from theirs. I can even pursue more intentional relationships and go on dates without all the expectations, the anxiety and stress of wondering what this guy is thinking and if I look alright or act alright or any of those things. I’m free to be myself, because I’m not just trying to convince this guy that I'm worth his time, I'm trusting that God will give both of us clarity as to what this relationship is supposed to look like.

When you identity and your relationship status are not attached, you're free to guard your heart. This doesn’t mean I’m cold hearted and block out all feelings, quite the opposite. I’m free to have feelings. I’m free to consider them and sort through them and (I know this is crazy) even share them with the guy they concern. I'm free to trust this guy and the fact that he is seeking Christ as well, and we have the common goal of wanting to be in His will. We hear the phrase ‘guard your heart’ all the time, and for the most part the people that say it to us have the best of intentions. When we go to practically live this phrase out though, I feel like we do it the wrong way. Guard your heart doesn’t mean cut off your feelings. Guard your heart doesn’t mean put up a wall and don’t let anyone see inside. It means to keep yourself in a frame of mind where you can objectively make decisions. Feelings are messy. Relationships of any kind are messy. Discerning God’s will is messy. There’s no specific formula or guidelines. It’s a process of sorting through, comparing the things He’s told you with the things in front of you, and seeing what lines up. By finding my meaning, purpose, identity, and value in Christ as opposed to a relationships, I’m able to ‘guard my heart’. When a guy comes to me and says ‘I think I have feelings for you and I’d like you to consider pursuing this relationship further’, regardless of my feelings (and believe me, sometimes my feelings are very strong and challenging to deal with), I can objectively say ‘Okay, I don’t even know for sure what I’m feeling here, but I do know ultimately I want to serve Christ, ultimately I know He has this, this, and this in my future, how does this potential relationship play into that?’
In a similar scenario, if I have feelings for a guy, I can approach him and say ‘Hey, I’m confused about what I’m feeling here and I’m praying for clarity, can you help clear things up?’ If he says, ‘I’m in love with you!’ or if he says, ‘Eh, really not feeling it.’ (hah), either way, I’m a-okay, because I am reminded that ultimately I am seeking what God has for me and so is this guy (hopefully) and so we can mutually 'guard our hearts' and seek for clarity.

I serve a God who only gives good gifts. No matter what season, what context, what situation- I know He is intimately involved in every intricate detail and has orchestrated it in such a way that it will bring Him glory. That’s where my ultimate happiness comes from. It may not always line up with my immediate feelings, but my immediate feelings are often confused and off balance. Ultimately I trust that He will give me the right answer, and no matter what it is, I can’t be upset with that.

I’m living a crazy adventure of a life, and one day there may be a man who decides he wants to share in that and have me share in what he’s doing. That’s awesome, and that would be a really neat scenario. But the other scenario- the one where I keep living this crazy adventure of a life as a single lady, is just as neat to me. Because the future and the potential and the possibilities are endless. Life truly surrendered to and in pursuit of Christ is a total adrenaline rush. That’s something that makes my heart swell every time I think about it.

These Tears

“These Tears”

With my head in my palms

Heart poured out to You
A single tear makes it way down this cheek
As it falls toward the ground
I see within it somehow
And am impressed with the things it contains

Thoughts and feelings, people, places
Everything my head cannot contain
Processing, sorting, dwelling and seeking
Releasing it all here in this place
This place, where words are faulty to explain all the things kept inside
Where feelings of both joy and pain are destined to collide
There’s this question welling up but fear of the answer holds it back:

Do you see me?

Am I known?

Through these tears You begin to paint a portrait, and I know
This whole life is but a tear in the palm of Your hand

And yet You keep it

These tears are cherished

You see me, and I am known
Not like facts and figures or knowledge that can be gathered
But we are one
This mystery

Through Your death I’m hidden in You
And even more- Your Spirit is in me

When my heart beats fast You feel it,

When my cheeks hurt from smiling, You’re there
And when these tears, they fall, You catch them
You warm my heart and stir my affection
You lift my gaze and call my attention
“Behold- I make all things new.”

“You once were blind but now you see
Once we were enemies, now you long after me
Once you were empty, now you are filled
Once dead in your sin, now you are healed
And though this life still holds much pain
I’ll take these tears just like the rain
Showered down into the soil
Worked and tilled with lots of toil
Till one day a stroke of green appears

Life will come forth, beauty is near”

The Shepherds Have Fed Themselves

Isobel Miller Kuhn, (December 17, 1901 – March 20, 1957), was a Canadian Christian missionary to the Lisu people of Yunnan Province, China, and northern Thailand. She served with the China Inland Mission, along with her husband, John, as a Bible translator, church planter, Bible teacher, evangelist and authored nine books about her experiences. In her book Nests Above The Abyss (1954), she wrote of a certain Lisu tribe of thousands of people:

"Some of them heard this wonderful doctrine was being preached out in Chinaland, and a little party made the trip of two or three days journey to that missionary lady and asked her to come to tell them also. That was ten years ago. Ever since then, that lady (now over sixty years of age) has been trying to find someone to go to those Lisu, and up to this date no missionary has ever been resident among them.

Ten years they have waited. Do you think that when they called for gospel messengers, God did not respond? It could not be. He gave His Son that all might know and receive eternal life. I think that man did not respond. It costs something to leave loved ones and the comforts of civilization. I believe that in each generation God has 'called' enough men and women to evangelize all the unreached tribes of the earth. Why do I believe that? Because everywhere I go, I constantly meet with men and women who say to me, 'When I was young I wanted to be a missionary, but I got married instead.' Or, 'My parents dissuaded me,' or some such thing. No, it is not God who does not call. It is man who does not respond!"

" My sheep have become a prey, and my sheep have become food for all the wild beasts,....because my shepherds have not searched for my sheep, but the shepherds have fed themselves, and have not fed my sheep." ~Ezekiel 34:8

The restless millions wait the light,
Whose coming maketh all things new.
Christ also waits, but men are slow and late.
Have we done what we could? Have I? Have you?
~Gordon

 

And Then They Sang A Hymn

The following is taken from Amy Carmichael's book, Things as They Are: Mission Work in Southern India. It is easy to see why it caused such an uproar in the western Christian world. For many in the early 1900s, missions was considered a distasteful necessity requiring careful discussion. Amy broke this delicate mold. A lot of her writings are about her struggles with the tension of doing actual mission work and convincing people back home to support her and get involved. Here she mentions 'tom toms.' When someone died, these drums beat all night. On one evening, the drums of death awakened her to the specter of millions perishing without Jesus:

"The tom-toms thumped straight on all night, and the darkness shuddered round me like a living, feeling thing. I could not go to sleep, so I lay awake and looked; and I saw, as it seemed, this:

That I stood on a grassy sward, and at my feet a precipice broke sheer down into infinite space. I looked, but saw no bottom; only cloud shapes, black and furiously coiled, and great shadow-shrouded hollows, and unfathomable depths. Back I drew, dizzy at the depth.

Then I saw forms of people moving single file along the grass. They were making for the edge. There was a woman with a baby in her arms and another little child holding on to her dress. She was on the very verge. Then I saw that she was blind. She lifted her foot for the next step...it trod air. She was over, and the children with her. Oh, the cry as they went over!

Then I saw more streams of people flowing from all quarters. All were blind, stone blind; all made straight for the precipice edge. There were shrieks, as they suddenly knew themselves falling, and a tossing up of helpless arms, catching, clutching at empty air.

Then I wondered, with a wonder that was simply agony, why no one stopped them at the edge. I could not. I was glued to the ground, and I could only call; though I strained and tried, only a whisper would come.

Then I saw that along the edge there were great sentries set at intervals. But the intervals were too great; there were wide, unguarded gaps between. And over these gaps the people fell in their blindness, quite unwarned; and the green grass seemed blood-red to me, and the gulf yawned like the mouth of hell.

Then I saw, like a little picture of peace, a group of people under some trees with their backs turned toward the gulf. They were making daisy chains. Sometimes when a piercing shriek cut the quiet air and reached them, it disturbed them, and they thought it a rather vulgar noise. And if one of their number started up and wanted to go and do something to help, then all the others would pull that one down. 'Why should you get so excited about it? You must wait for a definite call to go! You haven't finished your daisy chain yet. It would be really selfish,' they said, 'to leave us to finish the work alone.'

There was another group. It was made up of people whose great desire was to get more sentries out; but they found that very few wanted to go, and sometimes there were no sentries set for miles and miles of the edge.

Once a girl stood alone in her place, waving the people back but her mother and other relations called and reminded her that her furlough was due; she must not break the rules. And being tired and needing a change, she had to go and rest for a while; but no one was sent to guard her gap, and over and over the people fell, like a waterfall of souls.

Once a child caught at a tuft of grass that grew at the very brink of the gulf; it clung convulsively, and it called- but nobody seemed to hear. Then the roots of the grass gave way, and with a cry the child went over, its two little hands still holding tight to the torn-off bunch of grass. And the girl who longed to be back in her gap thought she heard the little one cry, and she sprang up and wanted to go; at which they reproved her, reminding her that no one is necessary anywhere; the gap would be well taken care of, they knew. And then they sang a hymn.

Then through the hymn came another sound like the pain of a million broken hearts wrung out in one full drop, or sob. And a horror of great darkness was upon me, for I knew what it was- the Cry of their Blood.

Then thundered a voice, the voice of the Lord. And He said 'What hast thou done, the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground.'

The tom-toms still beat heavily, the darkness still shuddered about me; I heard the yells of the devil-dancers and weird, wild shrieks of the devil-possessed just outside the gate.

But why does it have me upset? What does it matter after all? It has gone on for years; it will go on for years. Why make such a fuss about it?"

The Voiceless

Two days ago, people all over the world ‘blacked out’ for the day in an effort to promote the #EndItMovement, a movement started by the Passion Conference team to raise awareness and push for an end to human sex trafficking and modern day slavery. I’ve seen a lot of criticism about how effective this move was, and I’ll be honest, I was a little skeptical myself. However, after looking into it more I found a couple cool (almost subtle) aims that I think the movement was hoping for. One was realizing that there are people who’s voices are ‘blacked out’ and we are privileged to have the ability to use ours. As one girl put on twitter, “ I have freedom, I have a blessed life, I have a voice. And I plan to use all three to help.” By committing to refrain from social networking of any kind (especially in our society) you are in effect cutting out your voice. You are voluntarily restraining yourself. Millions around the world face this everyday, obviously not in the form of a social media fast. But millions are faced with another day in which their voices will not be heard.

Everyone has a voice, but some of us are blessed to be in a place and position to where ours are heard. With our technological resources, and our (somewhat) free society, we have methods and opportunities to speak and be heard. This is a privilege and a blessing, but because all of us have experienced this since the day we were born, this is something we take for granted everyday. Scroll through your news feed and you’ll find many instances of this: ‘Pancakes for breakfast’, ‘Stuck in traffic’. But it goes further than the need to check what we are posting on social media (we could harp on that for a long time).

Our voice goes beyond our audible words, beyond our digital words. Our voice is what our life proclaims. Again, we are incredibly privileged to get to decide about this. Many people will never get a second to even consider investing themselves in something-they’re simply trying to survive. For many of us, our ‘voice’, our life, proclaims that we think we’re pretty awesome. Everything we do, every decision we make is in some way geared towards our happiness. We eat where we want, we buy what we want, we endure some things like medical procedures, or education, or a job we don’t really like- but it’s all in order for us to have a better, happier future. We date who we want, we marry who we want- but often times it’s because they make us feel good or will take care of us or will in some way contribute to our happiness. We even go to church (often times) because it is helpful to us- makes our lives easier, provides social activity, takes away our guilt, etc. We pick our church based on what programs they have to offer, what facilities are closest to us, what service times are most convenient…you get my point.

 The bible speaks about speaking out for those that can’t speak for themselves. I thought about using that verse-the same one a thousand other people have quoted when discussing this same issue. I thought about writing and emphasizing how we should be standing up and speaking out on behalf of those whose voice is being silenced- and we should, don’t get me wrong. But you’ve read that before. You’ve seen those posts, you’ve heard that plea. It’s easy to use words to make you feel certain things. I can string some things together here and give you goose bumps and have your heart burning for a few hours, that’s what I’m good at. But where’s the real change, the lasting impact?

 I’ve been wrestling with all of this. And in the midst of it all, all I know to do is point you to Christ. When we see Jesus for who he really is, everything changes. Everything. I can tell you that in my own life I tried to do the Christian thing for a long time because it was what my family did, what my friends did, what I was supposed to do. And then I saw Jesus for who he really is. Now there are days where I wish I could slow down and take it easy but the passion in my heart wont let me. Because everything has changed for me.

 So while we’re talking about using our voice and speaking up for the ones who are silenced, let me paint this picture. A world full of humans, born into sin, and doomed to be forever separated from their creator. A people in need of their God, but unable to get there because God is Holy and sin and holiness can’t hang out together. A people needing to cry out to be saved, but whose voice had been silenced because of the effects of their sin. Then we have Jesus. The only one with a voice that could be heard by the Father, the only one that was not bound by the choking chains of sin, the only one that could choose to use his voice. In such stark contrast to every one of us, his voice, his life, proclaimed something greater than himself. He poured out his life, and ultimately gave up his life, on behalf of something greater. His life didn’t say ‘I think I’m pretty cool’ but ‘There is more to be living for, something greater is coming.’ The bible tells us that to this day, he is standing before the father, petitioning on our behalf. He is still speaking out on behalf of those who can’t speak out for themselves. ‘No man comes to the Father except through me.’ He is speaking up for you.

 When we see Christ for who he is, it changes us. He is speaking up for me! How can I continue to live for myself? How can I spend each day seeking my own pleasures and my own desires. His example of using his voice, of pouring out his life for something greater, is incredibly inspiring and causes me to want to do the same. Should we speak up for the hungry, the thirsty, the enslaved? YES. But why? Because Christ speaks up for us- the spiritual hungry, thirsty, and enslaved. Why do we help these people? Because it’s a picture of what Christ has done and is doing for us. He fought for our freedom, he offered himself-the bread of life, the living water, on our behalf. So when we ‘speak out’ on behalf of those who have no voice, that’s great, but if we stop there we will miss it. Our voices should be used for the voiceless, but above that they should be used to proclaim the One who uses His voice for us.

I want you to see that, to remember these words: He is speaking up for you. How are you using your voice?

Going Back

I wrote this one evening in my tent in the middle of a village in Uganda. It's about the struggle of coming back from a mission trip and how we can so quickly forget to live intentionally. Enjoy!


"Going Back"

Let us not forget these days
When we've gone back home
When we've parted ways
When work and school and family call
Let us pray in these times that our hearts don't grow small
So many distractions are at every turn
It's hard to stay focused
To remember the burn
Of our hearts and our passion
While we've sat and we've talked
Of our mission and our purpose
As we go, as we've walked
This struggle I have seen
And this struggle I have known
As time has passed and He has led
I've wrestled and I've grown
We sometimes think that God is only working in certain places
So we travel far to serve, and come back home with shining faces,
But quickly tire out because we just want to go back
Forgetting, no matter place or time
His presence we never lack.
He's there, in the mundance and slow
The plain and everyday
He's here, in distant villages
Going before, leading the way
But always He remains the same
Our God, He never changes
Near or far, all circumstances
He is the one who sustains us
So let's seek Him now
And let's seek Him then
Let's pray that our passion remains
That our hearts will beat fast
And our chests, they will burn
Whenever we mention the name
Of the One who has saved us, broken our chains,
Placed this great joy in our souls
Let us mention this name wherever we go
Let us stir up the hearts that are cold
Let us remember this time with smiles and good thoughts
Let's say 'Yeah those days were great!'
But when we return to our homes and our familes
A misison still remains that can't wait

My Church

Last night I walked into a room full of people. I had to laugh at the children running in circles, laughing and chasing each other. There were ladies setting out cups with ice and potato soup toppings, and men pulling out a few tables and chairs. I had a king cake in my arms so I was met with big smiles and offers to take it off my hands. This is my community group.

What is a community group? Okay, let's be real, most of you have grown up in the belt buckle of the bible belt just like me, so you know all the churchy lingo. But give me a few minutes of your time and hear my thoughts :)

I started going to South City Church in the Spring of 2012. Birthed out of the vision of Lance and April Nicholson, South City is only about a year old. Lance and April have been mentors and friends of mine for several years now, so when I felt led to join up with them and become a member of this new church endeavor, I was excited for many reasons. Every week people gather for our service on Sunday nights, but throughout the week in different locations and different nights, people gather for a deeper level of 'church'.

Funny stories, things we saw on Facebook, something hysterical the kids said..all these were passed around last night as we enjoyed potato soup brought by one of the ladies. One of the members of our group is having surgery next week and there was discussion on who could bring a meal over and who was going to visit and check on them. The kids later went to another room to hangout and play while we divided up the king cake and got into some more pointed discussion.
At South City, community groups typically discuss some questions related to the message from Sunday. Personally I love this because you don't always get it the first time, you know? Sometimes you need to let the message settle and then go back and discuss it with others to gain better perspective and put it into practice. I learn a lot by hearing other people talk about what they have been learning and how they are trying (and failing) to live it out.

One of the passages we were walking through last night was Psalm 145. The question was posed 'What memories of God's greatness do you share with others?'

"When my dad lost his job, we didn't know what was going to happen, but God provided and took care of us."
"My husband and I were divorced and just got remarried, I'd say that's pretty great."
"I've seen God provide in crazy ways every time I've attempted to fund raise for a mission trip or some kind of project."
"I felt led to go to Africa and my boss wouldn't let me off, so I quit my job and went trusting that He would take care of me. When I came back I was offered a job I didn't even apply for and since then everything has lined up better then I could have planned myself."

Varied responses came from around the room. Different people, different ages, backgrounds, jobs, family situations...different levels of theological training, some Christians for years, some new believers...but we all have one thing in common-we are broken and needy people and God has over and over again poured out His grace on our lives. Because of that one commonality, we are able to come together, share about what He's done in our lives, wrestle with tough questions, lean on each other for support and encouragement, gain advice and perspective...

This is my community group. This is my church. I'm thankful.


If you don't have a community group or aren't even sure about the whole church thing, we'd love to have you come visit and I'd love to talk with you more about my struggle with 'leaving the church' and my journey to get plugged back in. Find me on Facebook or email me at BeckWattier@gmail.com

"Give Big Like Jesus" -Elijah's Project

When I was seven, I saw a commerical for the American Diabetes Foundation asking people to donate to fund research for a cure for Juvenile Diabetes. I took a hot pink sock and filled it with every penny I could find around the house. I don't remember what happened to the sock full of pennies, but I remember thinking if I could fill it up and send it in, maybe it would help someone.

When I was twelve I had a pen-pal from India. Her family sent a letter out asking people to pray that they would have money to buy bibles for the school they were starting. I calcualted how much the bibles cost, and how much each person in my youth group needed to contribute in order for us to buy them. If we all put in a few dollars, it would add up.

When I was nineteen I learned about the water crisis worldwide and how simple it was to fix by installing wells in countries that had no access to clean water. I pulled my cousins together and we decided we were going to raise money to build a well. We various fundraisers and eventually several news stations and news papers interviewed me. Word spread, more people got involved and ou motto became "If everyone gives a little, we can change the world."

Today I am twenty-six and as I look back over the last couple years where I've been working and fundraising for different projects in Uganda, Africa, I estimate that we've raised well over $100,000. It is incredible to look back over my life and see how God has worked to instill in me a passion to change the world and to do big things in His name. I can see how each step along the way, He has used each of these little projects (and many more) to spur me on and push me forward to even bigger and greater things.

All this being said, I want to share about a project my friend Elijah is working on. Elijah just turned 9 last week, and instead of asking for presents this year, he asked his parents if they could get people to donate socks, towels and blankets to a local homeless shelter. As soon as I heard about it I knew I had to share. It took me back to all these projects (and others) and how, because many got behind and supported me, the projects were succesful in helping a lot of people. So take a minute and read the interview I did with Elijah, and consider getting involved or at least sharing his story. I think you will be just as challenged as I was:

Rebecca: For anyone that doesn't know you, tell us a little bit about yourself. Do you have any hobbies? What's your favortie kind of music?

Elijah: Anybody that knows me knows that I love sports. My favorite sport to watch is basketball and my favorite to play is football. I really like to pray, I don't do it all the time because I'm caught up in everything else, but I like to pray about basically anything that's going on. Lecrae is my favorite kind of music but NeedtoBreath is my favorite band.

Rebecca: So I think I know everything about what you're wanting to do, but let's start with you just telling me how you got the idea and what your plan is.

Elijah: Well, the idea came because when it's your birthday, you get gifts. But Jesus didn't get gifts, He gave a gift. We live by the interstate in Grandbay and basically everytime we go somewhere we have to get on the interstate so we see a lot of people walking around. I actually thought of the idea while we were on the interstate.

Rebecca: After that you started looking into homeless shelters?

Elijah: At first we were just going to collect a few things and take the stuff to the people we found around the interstate but then we looked into it more. I called the shelter and asked what they needed and this Saturday we're going to have lunch with the lady that runs the shelter and take the supplies to her.

Rebecca: So what exactly are you trying to collect?

Elijah: Towles, socks, and blankets.

Rebecca: And how much are you hoping to collect?

Elijah: We're hoping to collect a lot because there are actually two shelters we want to give to. The women's shelter has showers and so they said they are always needing more towels. They said socks are good to donate because it's winter and a lot of homeless people have to walk a long way.

Rebecca: Some people who read this may know your family already but some may not know you at all, some people may not be able to give something but they can still be encouraged in hearing what you're doing. Is there anything else you'd like to say to people who are going to read this?

Elijah: Just that, you know, Jesus did something big. No one can ever repay him for that. So we should all try the best we can to give big like Jesus did.

If you'd like to get involved and donate towels, socks, or blankets let us know! We can plan to meet up somewhere or you could mail a check and we can go buy the supplies here. You can reach me on:
Facebook: Rebecca Wattier
Email: BeckWattier@gmail.com
Cell: 251-422-3071

You can also help by sharing this through facebook and twitter, or leaving an encouraging comment- I'll make sure Elijah sees them all.

**The Nicholson's started a new church plant in the midtown Mobile area last year, South City Church, where I'm currently attending. If you're in the Mobile area and are looking for a place to plug in you can find out more info at www.SouthCityMobile.com **

Dear Heart

There’s this fire that's been building in my chest,

And I’ve been trying to write for days,

But I haven’t found the words,

Nothing seems able to convey,

The fullness of this feeling,

The burning that’s inside,

The urgency, the burden,

It’s been keeping me up at night.
So I’m tired of trying to make it pretty,

And I’m tired of trying to make it rhyme,

These words probably wont tickle your ears,

Because honestly, we don’t have that kind of time.

I realize I've been found guilty of many things,

But there's one I consider worst,

Forgetting who my first love was

Turning away from him in pursuit of a curse.

Sin I willingly chose long ago,

And still, sin I willingly choose,

But hold on just a second because there’s more to the story,

He came with some really great news.

He saved me,

He ran, in pursuit of my dirt and my filth and my shame.

He gave me,

More than I can express, Christ Jesus, the name above all names.
And now it should be my turn,

To lay down my life,

To take this great news near and far,

But more often then not,

I find myself making excuses of why it’s too hard.

So this poem, it’s my own struggle you see,

To stay focused on the things that can’t wait

And I know surely I don’t struggle here alone,

Surely someone else out there can relate

Dear heart of mine, why do you run?

From the God who loves you, who sent his son?
This cold, relentless apathy,
This subtle sin, that leads astray
These worthless things that I pursue,
They leave me broken, hurt, and brusied.
‘The heart is deceitfully wicked’ Yes.
But I think I’m “Okay”, “I mean I’m doing my best.”

"Jesus, Savior, Lord and King!"

“Lead us to the cross” we sing

On Sunday as we pay our dues,

But do we really have a clue?

Do we really care to try?

To pick up our cross, to lay down our lives?
Do we really understand the mindset of the Son of Man?
We serve a God with a heart for the nations,
Self-centered church culture was never in the equation

So there is no time for our excuses

There's no more time for this apathy,
If we don’t go, then they wont know
On this, we can agree.
And on this mission we can gather around-
We must go so the lost can be found

Church, awake from your slumber,
Rise out of your coffins
Let us shake off these chains of death.
Because He is worthy of our efforts,
Of our lives, just like His,
Poured out till there’s nothing left.

So what part are you playing?

Or are you playing at all?
Every one is needed off the bench
Because this challenge is in no way small
Some should go and some should send,
But everyone should be lending a hand
Step up, take part,
Right a check or travel far
but let us storm the gates of Hell with a battle cry so loud
All evil is left trembling in it's quake.
Let us run as in a race,
With one goal and one aim,
With one banner, one name to proclaim,
Let us spread the good news,
That a new king has come,
That our sins are forgiven,
That our debts are gone!

We cannot be silent,
We cannot go back to sleep,
When the very hand of God has shaken us,
We must go,
And we must weep
For the millions who have yet to hear,
The thousands who have heard in part
Our ears should perk up at the mention,
Our hearts should be broken at the thought

Purge us Spirit, Make us whole
Cleanse us from this sins we know
All too well, for His name’s sake
Push us Lord, until we break
Sanctify us more and more
Shake us up, down to the core
Help us stir these stubborn hearts
Else our affections again depart

Father, take our lives and kill our flesh,
Strip us till there’s nothing left,
But Christ, Oh, Christ! and Christ alone,
May this cold heart be like His own.
Ignite us with Your eternal flame,
A burning passion for Your name,
In all the earth, We must push on
For every nation, tribe and tongue!