What I Want To Say (For Him)

Something a litte more light-hearted then my usual posts. This is something I wrote a while back about a boy, about that point in a relationship when you know there are mutual feelings, and there are a hundred things you want to say, but you have to pace yourself somehow.

 

What I Want To Say (For Him)

 

These thoughts running endless circles in my head

These feelings that have to stay inside

These things that have to wait

These things I want to say but can’t.

If I could say what I want to say right now

I’d tell you, you’re beautiful to me.

The smile that comes across my face is natural and free.

When you speak to me all is right in the world

When you’re green eyes meet mine, I’m the happiest girl

These are the things I want to say, but can’t.

 

If I could say what I want to say right now

I’d tell you, I share my heart with few

But if you’re willing and if you want,

I’ll share my heart with you

I’d tell you that I trust you

Even though I’m not sure why

I’d tell you this might not work,

But I’m more than willing to try

 

If I could say what I want to say right now

I’d tell you that I’m scared

That we’ll never make a way for these mutual thoughts to be shared

That we’ll continue on in life never knowing what might have been

Always living with the thoughts of these things from ‘way back when’

 

So here I go, I grab this pen and hope to work this out

I cannot wait till my mind is free of all fear and all doubt

I’ll share these things someway, somehow, and then maybe one day

You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours, and we’ll say what we want to say.

 

A New Perspective on Christmas Eve

This holiday season my heart has felt heavy,

I wanted to write about it but I didn’t really feel ready,

Because honestly, I’m still struggling to understand and to reconcile

How to process all this evil, and still carry a smile,

How do I find joy in my Creator, while His creation is going crazy?

It makes me wonder, and makes me question,

I've been facing doubts and my faith seems hazy.

But I write to express these things, I write to sort through,

And I share in hopes that it can encourage you

I’ve been thinking- a long time ago and a long way away,

There was another generation who were awaiting a day,

When a Savior would come and peace would reign,

Their pain would cease, and joy would remain

In the darkest times when they couldn’t see light,

They held on to the promise that all would be right,

That God was still there, that hope was alive,

That a Saviour would come and God's people would thrive

No one expected this ‘savior’ to take the form

Of a little baby boy who would be birthed in a barn,

Surrounded by animals and wrapped up in rags,

No heralds, no trumpets, no royal flags,

The place He was born and the time He stepped in,

Was also covered in darkness and drowning in sin

We tend to forget that on that very day,

Herod, the king, had a thousand kids slain,

Just to ensure that he held on to his power,

That this supposed ‘savior’ didn’t live to devour

His political kingdom that had taken control

So there was weeping and pain as the people tried to console

The mothers and fathers who screamed for their children

And cried out to their God who seemed to be hidden

And that’s just the thing that we need to remember,

When we hear about shootings, buildings falling in September,

When we hear rumor that our rights are being taken away,

When things are unstable, when our government strays.

Along side all these people who wept and who mourned,

And anticipated the day when all things would be restored,

In the midst of this darkness and the midst of our pain,

Fear, heartache, and suffering, a promise still remains,

God is still here, our hope-He is alive,

Our King is still coming, His church, -we will thrive

One day all things will be right once again,

He’ll wipe away every tear, and all sin will end,

We will bask in his presence, we will sleep in His arms,

Safe from every evil thing, far from worry, far from harm.

He is still coming, and we have to hold on,

His grace is enough, He will make us strong,

We can take refuge in our sympathizing King,

Because He’s been where we are, He has seen what we’re seeing

He conquered it all, even death and the grave,

So that we could find peace, and in Him- we could be saved.

So while my heart is still hurting and things are unstable,

I can smile and spread hope, because I know He is able,

He wont disappoint us, He wont look away,

He is still in control, that will never change

And this Christmas Eve can mean so much more to me,

Because just like those people, I’m awaiting my King.

The Story Behind "Seventy Times"

Last night I recorded a video of me reciting this poem. It's a good poem, okay it's a great poem and I'm really proud of it. The video is okay too, nothing too special. But after recording it I was reluctant to share it. Why? I don't know. That's what I'm pondering. It's not in my personality at all to want to be the focus or center of anyone's attention, but it doesn't really bother me if I'm sharing something I really believe in so I don't think that's it. I think I decided it was because I felt like I was sharing something really personal to me, and I don't tend to do that except with a few people I'm close to.

When I post something like that on the interwebs it only takes a few people reposting it before a couple hundred people have viewed it. Comments start rolling in about how amazing it is and how wise I am and all these other (very encouraging, very affirming, very needed) remarks. But I worry sometimes that it gets written off just as something cool Rebecca did. And that's awesome, I like doing cool things, I like being told I'm cool hah. But there's more behind it, there's months and months of struggle and contemplation and work behind it. As I was thinking through all of this I realized that just in hearing the poem, most people aren't going to get the back story, so I thought I'd share the back story and the process a poem (or anything) goes through with me before it's written.


Over the summer of 2012 I had been sorting through a lot. A lot happened earlier that year that was very hurtful and I was trying to work through it, understand it, heal, and move forward. God really started nailing in this concept of forgiveness. I know, I should have the concept of forgiveness by now, but sometimes you know things and then you know things. There was this pain in my chest. A very real, physical pain. And it just sat there. I didn't want it to, I wasn't trying to dwell on it, but it was there. Everytime I saw certain people or someone mentioned a situation that triggered a memory...whatever it may be, that pain swelled up and I'd go through a mixture of emotions. Hurt- there was legitimate hurt there, Anger-I wanted the people that hurt me to hurt in the same way, Doubt-Why, if i had done my best to do right, was I allowed to be hurt, Resentment-After all I'd given up and done, I didn't deserve this, Pride and Accusation-Where was God and why wasn't He fixing this, Fear-I can never trust anyone again, Despair-This pain will always be here, Condemnation- It was somehow all my fault.

I imagine several of you can identify with at least one of these, maybe all. At the same time during the summer I commited to reading through the Psalms, one a day till I got through them all. One of the greatest things I learned through this was seeing God as a refuge. David continually calls out to God and claims God as His refuge, the place he went when he was hurt and troubled. So that's what I did. I went to God with my pain, fear, anger, doubt, and everything else. It wasn't an overnight transformation, quite the opposite, it has taken months. But He kept directing me back to this concept- I don't forgive because they deserve it, I don't forgive because I'm a strong person who has a good moral compass, I don't forgive because it makes me feel good. I forgive because I have been forgiven. I forgive because Christ is in me and He is strength. I have no excuse.

Please hear me when I say that the first day you choose to forgive someone isn't the same day that the pain is gone. It may leave over time, it may never fully leave. But the important thing is to look to Christ everytime that pain wells up inside you, because He knows how it feels. The forgiveness Christ extended to us cost Him his life and an amount of physical, emotional and spiritual pain that we will never understand. We're not alone in the fight for forgiveness. Not only is there comfort and peace found in His presence, but He gives us the power to be strong when we're not, He gives us the ability to forgive.

August 29th, 2012, my heart was full of both joy and pain, and my mind was exhausted from the struggle, so I did what I do in those times and I started writing. Seventy Times is the result of that night and it's one of those things that you know came from Him working through me because I couldn't put stuff like that together on my own.

So when I share this poem (and others like it) there's more behind it then 'this is a cool concept the world should hear about'. It's personal. When I write about my heart burning for justice, it's because I struggle with a very prideful heart. When I share about forgiveness being hard and how I'm not strong enough to do it, it's not to gain your sympathy- it's because I'm human, and I know you're human, and I know we all struggle. When you hear me reciting lines about holding tight to simple truths, it's because there have been times when I felt like my whole world was crumbling apart and all it was all I could do to grasp on that truth and wait for it to blow over. And most importantly, when I write about finding strength in Christ, about being able to press on and do the right thing because my chains are gone- it's because I want you to know that freedom as well. I want you to find that strength, that peace, that healing.

You can watch Seventy Times here: http://youtu.be/09Pi_ba0LoI I would love to hear if it encourages you, and I'd love to hear your story. Contact me at beckwattier@gmail.com or 251-422-3071

Don't Wait To Know Who You Are

Don't wait until you know who you are to get started.

Nobody is born with a known style or voice. We learn as we go. Often times it is something that we have to grow into. We figure out what we're good at, we figure out what we like. We figure out by tossing out. Try something, keep a piece of that and toss out the rest. Move forward with that piece and try something new. Repeat process.

It's a process. And the first step is starting. You figure it out as you go, so you can't figure it out if you don't go. You can't start figuring it out until you start going. So go.

It's in the act of making things and doing work that we figure out who we are. Stop sitting around and trying to figure yourself out and go make things...go do things.

Are you scared? That's a good sign. It means you are alive and it means you are a human. You no longer have to worry about being from another species.

But seriously, often times we feel like we don't know what we're doing. We don't. But the thing is even the most succesful people don't have it down to a perfect formula. The professionals will tell you- you try a lot of things because you will toss out most of them and hopefully get to keep one that works.

Show up everyday. Wherever you're at, be all there. Do your thing. Figure out what works and what doesn't, what you feel good about and what you don't. What you want to change and what you want to leave exactly as it is.

Life is a process. It's often in the mistakes and the mess ups that we learn the most. Don't be afraid to learn.