Several Confessions and a Challenge

I stumbled upon this today, and the words are as convicting as ever. I wrote this two years ago to my church family at the time, but it so appropriate for now- me now, my church now, my friends all over the world now. I hope this convicts, inspires, and encourages you into seeking him with passion. He is worthy of it.

~Beck

"God has been doing a lot of convicting and stirring in my heart these last couple weeks. I want to first confess to you, my church family, and second, knowing your hearts and love for Christ, to issue a challenge. Here we go:

“The Moravians (1730’s) were the first wave of Protestant missionaries to Africa. William Carey and Robert Moffat followed soon after. First they hit the coastlands, and they struggled to survive there. The missionaries of this era did not pack their belonging in crates, barrels, or suitcases. They packed them in their own coffins. They did this so that upon their death, their teammates wouldn't have to waste extra time in burying them. When these missionaries waved goodbye to their loved ones, it was for the last time, and they knew it.

The average life expectancy of missionaries in this time was two years, and yet they poured into Africa, willing to lay down their lives, determined to advance the Gospel, if only inch by inch. One African king saw the missionaries unloading their coffins, and he said, ‘What is it that would drive them to sacrifice their lives on this foreign soil?’ He had to find out, and he became a Christian because of their testimony- ‘because they loved not their own life.’ "

Confession: When it comes to being passionate about the gospel, I am failing. Now you may say, "Haha, Beck...whatever. You do all this mission work, you help all these people." Yes. Don't get me wrong. I am very passionate about the gospel, God has really burdened my heart. But when I hear stories like this, and I take a look at my life in comparison, it paints a very clear picture of my lack of passion for the gospel. It's easy to look around at what other people in the area are doing, or even other people across the country, and say 'Well, I'm doing pretty good, I'm working harder and doing more than most of these people.' But looking at some of these pioneer missionaries, or, dare I suggest it, looking at The Missionary- Christ, I am failing.
"But Beck, that's a little harsh don't you think." Is it? I'm genuinely asking. Is it? Because if it is, by all means, tell me. Please. But I'm afraid the truth is, it's not too harsh, it's just very very very uncomfortable. Because if it is true, if me, in all my endeavors, the amount of passion I currently have for missions and for spreading the gospel...If that is failing, then succeeding is going to be very hard, very costly.

Confession: I would much rather sit and read about what I should be doing, (and what the best strategy is to do it, and then contemplate and write how that might look, and how God might want me to live that out), then to get on my knees and ask Him what He would have me do. Why? Because I'm afraid He might answer. And I might not like it. Because it might be hard, costly, uncomfortable. It is so much easier to read about the problems, to think through the statistics and the numbers, to re-tweet and repost and share with other how we are failing. It is even easy to say "Ok, this is what needs to change in my life. I fail here, I need to step it up here." Because as long as I stay there, I am in control. I read it, I decided it was a change I should make, I thought about how I would make it, I decided it was doable, and I set out to do it.

Confession: I am not broken for the lost. I am getting there, sure, but I am not there. We (I) seem to think being broken for the lost means we pray for them or we go out of our way to hang out with them and show them Christians can be cool too. I do all these things, I'm an outstanding example of being intentional in reaching out to unbelievers. But I'm not broken for them. God has shown me that there is a HUGE difference in reaching out to the lost because we are supposed to and because He wants us to, and being broken for the lost because we are so like Christ that we share His heart and passion for the lost. Outside of these last few weeks I couldn't tell you the last time I was on my face in tears pleading with God for the salvation of someone else, nevertheless willing to take their place if they could only know Him. "I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers." (Romans 9:2-3)

Disclaimer: I am not just talking about a passion for foreign missions here. Yes, there is that need. But please understand that when I say I am pro-missions, I mean pro-gospel. Pro-Uganda, pro-homeless ministry, pro-church planting, pro-Sav-a-life ministry, pro-ladies ministry, pro-small groups, pro-discipleship, pro-reading and studying, pro-just hanging out and encouraging one another so that we are better prepared to minister. I am not saying all this so people will feel bad, sell everything and move to Africa, and I felt the need to say that because thinking that, it could be easy to read this and pass it off as that.

Challenge: Are we broken and passionate or are we failing? And dare we ask Him to reveal these truths about our hearts? We say we exist for those that are not yet worshiping, we say we are a people of hope, we say we believe God has us in this city at this time for a reason. We hear this fact every week: "There are 300,000 people in our city, lost without hope and destined for an eternity in hell apart from Christ." And we (me), nod our heads in agreement, and then we sing songs of worship, and then it's off to eat chips and dip.

We say we have living hope. We say ours is the only hope that will not fail. And we say that we are immediately, without travelling anywhere or doing anything, surrounded by 300,000 people every day that are in desperate need of this hope.

But do we really care?

God is showing me that I do not care. That I have not cared. And the scary thing that makes me sick in the pit of my stomach is this:I thought I did. And I was deceived.

If we as a body are not careful, then we will find ourselves deceived.

Are we broken? Are we passionate? And dare we ask Him to reveal the true, honest answers to these questions? I don't have the answers, and I don't know what this is supposed to look like lived out. I just know that I am not there, and He is painfully revealing my own heart to me, and changes have to be made."

Hebrews 10:23-24 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir one another to love and good works."

Writing About Being Stuck Writing About Doubt

"Write about my doubts, or don't?" A question I posed on twitter today. @LeanneStewart replied with 'Write about being stuck writing about doubts. Unpack it all, I bet others struggle with the same." Brilliant. So here you go:

Writing About Being Stuck Writing About Doubt

In the middle of doubt, or a season of doubt, you often feel alone. You feel isolated in a way, alone in your struggle. What will people think if I voice this? Why do I feel this way? Everyone else seems to have it together, why am I struggling with this? You think you are the only one that feels the way you currently feel. You think you are the only one that struggles with what you’re currently struggling with. And so you keep it to yourself-the worst way to deal with it.

People don’t understand, some people never will no matter how well you explain- we are all different. It’s hard to try your best to explain how you feel and then have people not understand or even worse misunderstand. It’s a vulnerable thing. You are in a place where you most need encouragement, support, and to know that you’re not alone. But because you already feel alone in your doubt and struggle, when people misunderstand, you feel even more alone in your doubt and struggle. It’s the ultimate ‘kick me when I’m down’ scenario.

We are continually led to believe that people will believe in us only if they are convinced we know what we are doing, we are confident in our decisions, and we have all the answers. People most respected in today’s culture are the people who have it all figured out. They have all the answers and so we follow them, because we don’t. They are the strongest, so we follow them because we are weak. They have no fear, and so we follow them because we have many fears. Here’s a secret- all people, no matter how well they make it look on the outside, have doubts, fears, weaknesses, and struggles. We do ourselves no good by trying to appear like we don’t. In fact, we hurt ourselves that way. We continue down that spiral of feeling alone in our struggle.

Here is the beauty of the gospel- we are free to admit our struggles, our fears, and yes- our doubts. We are free to admit we don’t have it together, we don’t have the answers, we don’t know it all. But Christ does, and we are in Him, and that’s a beautiful thing. We (the church) are a body of broken people, plagued with doubts and fears and struggles. But we’re living a life that is a process, everyday another step forward, and that’s what matters- that we continually move forward. Together, arms linked, marching into the very face of our doubts and struggles-not because together we are anymore powerful than we are on our own, but because we have the common bond of knowing that Christ is the only thing holding each of us together.

So here are a few thoughts I have about dealing with doubts:

1)      The second you share your doubts and struggles, you are set free from that ‘what will people think’ stuff, and it is such a freeing thing. No one has it together, and odds are that most people around you are also dealing with that same doubt, or have dealt with it in the past, or will deal with it in the near future. You are not alone.

2)      I don’t know how to make people understand when they don’t. I don’t know how to change people, I can’t. The only person I can change is myself. The only person you can change is yourself. So with that, I’m trying to be a more understanding person. Seeking to put myself in the other person’s shoes, taking time to genuinely listen to someone who has come to me with a problem. Above and beyond this-making time to listen in general and be there for people- not waiting for people to come to me but being proactive in making myself available and seeking out people that need to be listened to. (Some people have been vulnerable and misunderstood so many times that they have given up on trying to talk.)

3)      Deep down within us all we love the people that dare to show their weakness more than the people that seem to always have it together. Why? Because we can relate. So be relatable. Show your weaknesses, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, don’t be afraid to say when you don’t have the answers. It’s a process, and we’re all in it together. You're weaknesses let Christ shine through, more so than your strengths!

4)      Above all these things- God reveals himself to us in scripture as a REFUGE. A refuge is a place where a soldier goes in the midst of battle when he is wounded and in need of healing, weary and in need of rest, starving and in need of nourishment and energy, worn down and in need of comfort and rejuvenation of sprits. Think about this in light of your spiritual life. We so often see God as the last place to go in these moments- when we’re tired, hurting, weary, worn down. He is the first place we should run to…even with our doubts- specifically with our doubts. We can go to him, honestly, and say ‘I don’t know what you’re doing here, I don’t know why you’re letting this happen, I’m angry with you right now.’ Read the psalms! David is continually so honest with God that sometimes it catches me off guard. God sees our thoughts anyway- it’s not like we’re hiding anything from him. Like any relationship, strength comes from honesty. Go to him and tell him what is on your mind, vent to him, rant to him even. There is nothing that he wont listen to, there is nothing that he wont help you to figure out. The more open and honest you are with him, the closer you will feel to him, which is convenient seeing as how the closer you are to him the more your doubts and fears will fade away. 

So in conclusion to all this- personally, I've been very blunt with God about my doubts and feelings and the more honest I am with him, the closer I've gotten to him. I’m going to try and write more about my doubts, in the midst of my doubts. I’m going to try and share more of my doubts, while I’m still doubting and vulnerable. And I hope that somehow in doing this you will be encouraged to do the same. Let’s join together in our struggles- let’s be real about where we are. Let's challenge each other to be honest and to honestly share about our doubts, fears and struggles. Let's also challenge ourselves to be honest with Him. No one should ever feel alone, we’re not.

Kony2012

What do I think about Kony2012 and Invisible Children? I think I’m not an expert, and neither are you, so let’s all stop acting like we are. With that being said, I’m probably not going to address what you want me to. I’m not going to say what the solution is and I’m not going to attempt to tell you what you should do, because the truth is, I don’t know. But I do have some thoughts to share. People will always go with what is popular, until that popular thing becomes too popular, and then it’s not cool to agree with it so we have to start criticizing it. That’s the system, that’s what we do. Wherever you are on that spectrum right now think my thoughts will apply equally.

1)     We need to stop judging people that are doing something, when we are doing nothing. So the founders of IC make $80,000 a year. That’s sounds like a lot to us average college-aged 20-somethings, yes. But it’s not that much. And regardless of that, the job they do is worth the cash they make. This organization started out with three guys and a camera and now they are bringing in (and sending out) millions a year. That’s a big deal. They have reeled in Oprah, Ellen, Bill Clinton, George Cloony, Rihanna, and numerous other celebrities and public officials. They have raised awareness, they have raised money, and they have brought about change. They are good at what they do. Let them have their paycheck.  There is this thing in our culture that says anyone can make a lot of money except for humanitarians. I’ve encountered this personally with my fundraising ventures and work in Uganda. I can live a private life and spend as much money on anything that I want, but as soon as I ask people to consider supporting a project of mine, I can’t spend money on Starbucks, or (God forbid) new shoes. I’m a missionary, I’m a humanitarian, so I should be wearing potato sacks and going barefoot and giving away every last penny I have. It’s not fair.

As a person who has given every last penny she has to a cause she very much believes in, I want to say to the average person, YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT ALL GOES IN TO HEADING UP A PROJECT LIKE THIS. You have no idea what kind of a personal and emotional toll it can take to deal with everything that goes on. So let the men have their money, they are good at what they do. A best selling author or a platinum selling artist, etc is not criticized for their paycheck, let a good non-profit leader have the paycheck they deserve.

Don’t want to give to Invisible Children? Fine. Get in touch with me for a listof  organizations and  people who are on the ground in Uganda.  I have seen them, have worked side by side with them, and have seen the fruit of their projects.

2)      We need to stop blindly throwing money at projects without knowing where the money is going. No, something is not always better than nothing. That attitude a lot of times ends up hurting the people we are trying to help. I’ve been there and seen it happen. Doesn’t this contradict point #1? No? See point three:

3)      Social media is how our generation changes the world, it’s what we do. Isn’t it good that we’re raising awareness and talking about these issues, etc etc etc.

I agree with all of these types of comments. But social media and it's positives cannot be where we stop. Social media is an incredible tool that needs to be used but it's also something that is enabling our generation to be lazy. Humanitarian organizations are almost becoming consumer-driven. Whoever can convince us they’re worthy of our money, gets it. We know a little about everything so we don't have to know very much about anything. We are passionate about whatever cool cause comes along today but tomorrow we're on to the next thing. We dabble in 100 different causes because this one came out with the coolest video or this one has the trendy catch phrase and has our attention for the moment, but we're not dedicated to bringing about change. We can retweet and repost and we feel good because we're uniting to change the world, except we're not. Some of us are, yes, but most of us aren't.

Retweeting and reposting, status updates and online petitions- these are all extremely valuable things, but only if there is true passion behind them. We think passion means wearing the t-shirt, posting a status, maybe even making a donation. That's not passion, anyone can do that about anything. Passion is when you are so moved by something that you will do anything you can to change it. Passion generally moves you to take initiative. Change only comes when people are burdened for a cause or burdened with an idea and are dedicated to seeing it happen. And for my generation, I’m afraid that most of us aren’t.

IC is doing a great job and raising a ton of awareness on this issue in Uganda, but only because three guys were burdened for a cause and decided that they were going to create change. They are helping the rest of us know how to get involved and us getting involved is great. But what our world really needs is more people burdened about a specific issue and deciding to create change. Otherwise we just have a bunch of organizations spending a bunch of money on getting our attention. I know this because it is part of the type of things I’ve been doing for the last four years. You have to put together a good presentation to draw people in, you have to send out reminders to people to send money so they don’t forget, you have to take pictures and update your blog so that people will stay connected to you and your organization. You have to prove that you are worthy of people’s time and money. That’s just how it is, I get that, that’s how it works.

I’m a dreamer, I know, but I can’t help but think ‘what if’. What if people were so burdened for a cause that they didn’t have to be reminded to mail in a check but they had been thinking of the cause so much that they couldn’t wait to mail that check? What if people were so burdened for a cause that they reposted the video, yes, but they couldn’t stop there, they had to get out and do more? What if we stopped being consumers when it comes to doing good? What if we stopped trying to make it easy for people to get involved by presenting ways that they can donate without having to make much of a sacrifice? What if changing the world was actually a challenge that required real sacrifice…and so the people that were involved were 100% dedicated and the ones that weren’t up for that could get out of the way? I understand 'that's just not how it is'. I understand that the system is broken. But I've never been one to be completely complacent with working in a broken system. Manuver the system and get as much good as you can out of it- go post the video again, ask your friends to get involved, repost another article...these things help and we need to be involved in this. Let's stop Kony, by any means necessary. But let's also look at fixing the broken system, because there are a thousand Kony's in our world today, and they all need to be stopped. 

This war has been going on for 26 years. For 26 years little boys and girls have been kidnapped, beaten, raped, forced to kill, told that they are nothing and no one will ever love them. 26 years. And now it's a cool and trendy thing to unite and fight this battle so NOW we're all on board. That's great. It's about time. But what other wars are just starting? What other evils are being done right now that no one knows about? What are we ignoring right now because no one has had time to make an appealing presentation about it yet? DONT WAIT another 26 years to find about about these unseen evils happening today. GO DO SOMETHING.  Let's go out and find those things. Let's not let little girls in India be raped for another 26 years before we help them. Let's not let millions starve in North africa for another 10 years until some celebrity happens to pass thru on their vacation and take notice. Don't wait for someone to tell you what to do. YOU go find something that YOU can be passionate about today and be so burdened by it that you can't help but to get dedicated, to stick with it until REAL change has been brought about.

Real change starts with YOU. Go make something happen. 

Peace Doesn't Just Happen

Psalm 34:11-14 “Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it."

Seek peace. Pursue it. It doesn’t just happen. Peace is not the normal state of things. I think we tend to think that it is. We’re always consumed with these things that come up in life and disturb our peace. We can’t wait for this to be over with, or until that is done with, or until this is finished…so things can go back to ‘normal’, so we can get some rest, so we can have peace. We just want to have peace and we can’t right now because this person thinks this, this person is doing this, this person said this or wont do this or whatever it may be. If they would just do this then we would be at peace with things. Or maybe if we could just understand this situation we would have peace.

The list is unending.

Peace doesn’t just happen. Even for the Christian who has the sovereign Prince of Peace as their King. We have to intentionally seek peace. We have to pursue it. We have to continually fight against the things that threaten peace. Whether that is internally in our own thoughts and things we need to deal with concerning ourselves, or externally- a situation we need to stay away from, a person we need to distance ourselves from. Too many times I think as Christians we throw a Sunday school answer at things- Christ is sovereign, have peace. This is true, but all of your problems and negative emotions and bad habits don’t just go away the second you become a Christian. You have to deal with those things, sort through those things, and fight against those things.

What is disturbing your peace today? It’s not just going to go away. In fact, it might not go away at all. It might be that your attitude and the way you handle yourself around this thing is what needs to change. But whatever the case, you have to identify these things and you have to take action.

Peace isn’t a resting state. Peace is an intentional choice. And just because you are a follower of Christ doesn’t mean you get to tap into this immediate peace. There are times of peace, yes. There are times of just simply resting in Christ in the midst of very un-peaceful times, yes. But more times than not, peace is something you are going to have to fight for, something you are going to have to choose.

I choose to be at peace today. I choose to reject any thoughts that are not peaceful, that will stir up negative emotions. I choose to distance myself from situations in which I know I will end up getting caught up in something not peaceful. I choose to acknowledge that ultimately all peace belongs to Christ and by submitting to His authority and asking for His help, as I seek peace, He will pour His peace into my life and into my mind.

What is stopping you from having peace today? What are you going to do to be intentional about seeking peace? 

Brokenness

So I am a mess tonight. And I'm going to write about it. I have got to get back to this both for myself and others.

For me, there is nothing as relieving or as productive as getting all this stuff out of my head and onto paper (cyber paper in most cases). When I write, I process, and as I write and process, things begin to make sense and become clearer. I get encouraged and inspired to deal with things or just hang in there and keep going. It's just a good process for me.

For others, (apparently), my honestly is encouraging. Apparently God speaks through that. I think when we hear honestly from others we are reminded that we are not alone and we are not the only ones dealing with a certain thing, and again, that encourages and inspires us to hang in there and keep going.

So we all have those seasons that are extra hard. We all have those nights where we lay awake. We all cry. We all have doubts. We all hurt. We all feel lost sometimes. That's me tonight. I've been up for about two hours just being a mess emotionally. There's no one thing wrong either. God's just dealing with me a lot. He is dealing with me so much. I'm not committing any huge sins in my life currently, I love Him as much as I have ever loved Him. But He is working on me in a very real, heavy and painful way. It's not fun, I'll be honest. But tonight I'm reminded of the beauty of His grace.

He has been showing me the ridiculousness of my sinful heart. Just how broken I really am. How broken and messed up and sinful. It's disgusting. We're all broken. We're all disgustingly sinful, and in all honesty, completely okay with wallowing in our sin and brokenness. If His Spirit didn't push us to move out of this junk that we live in, we would live in it forever and be okay with it.

He still loves me. He's not walking away from me. He will love me passionately for forever. Through all of my junk. Through all of my issues and all the things I have to deal with and get worked out. He is not giving up on me. He is not giving up on you. Such a beautiful thing.

Tonight I found myself at his throne, pouring my heart out in a way I haven't done in so long. Don't get me wrong, I've been praying regularly and actively seeking after him, I haven't been distant from Him. But there is such a difference. We can seek Him, and seek to know Him, and we can be content with where we are. But His constant desire is to bring us closer. And until we are desperate for Him, that doesn't happen.

I''m not ending this happily, with a nice little conclusion and sense of closure. I don't have that right now. The truth is that hard things are hard. Painful things hurt. And brokenness is a very real state that we can't pull ourselves out of easily. But I think it's important to say that. I think there's something freeing in saying "I am not okay, I am broken, I am having a hard time." People need to hear that. But at the same time I want to add "He isn't done with me, and He isn't done with you."

So maybe you are like me tonight, or right now, whenever you read this. I want to say to you that it's not abnormal to hurt and to be confused. It's not abnormal to feel messed up, to feel like there is something wrong with you, to feel broken. You are broken. We all are. You are normal. And He loves you. Hard things come, pain can be overwhelming, but He will never leave you. So cling to Him. Take the hurt, take the pain, take the confusion, take the frustration...take it all to the only place that will accept it- His feet, His throne, His open ears, His open arms. No matter how hard it is, He will not give up on you, He will walk with you hand in hand, He will get down on His hands and knees and crawl with you inch by inch if need be.

You are not alone.

Looking Back

I just wanted to share this journal entry with you guys. This is from December 12, 2006. If you know my story, I decided over Christmas break in 2006 to take 30 days and search out the bible, journal and research, etc and find out what I really believed. At the end of the 30 days, if I wasnt convinced, hadnt found answers, I was determined to be done with God for good.

This story isnt really about me though. I wanted to share this because I wanted to say praise God. For his transforming love, for the fact that he never leaves us where we are but pursues us until we overcome by his love and grace. Praise God that our stories don't stop with journal entries like this one, but are being lived out day by day as we are transformed into the image of Christ. Praise God for his grace. Let's never think that we are too (Fill in the blank) for our lives to count. We are never too far from God that we cant go back. We are never too hurt to be healed. We are never too broken that he cant put us back together and use us to reflect his glory. I want my life to reflect his glory. So in sharing this, I hope you look past my story, but that through my story you are humbled and brought to a place of thanks and praise to a God that transforms.

December 12, 2006
"So this is day one. And just to be honest I feel really stupid right now. There is so much drama and really stupid stuff that has happened the last couple days, it makes me sad. Sometimes people are just so hard to understand, it makes me want to give up on relationships of any kind. It seems just when I get to the point of really trusting people, they always let me down, and it hurts more and more every time. 

I have like a hundred thoughts going through my mind right now. It's insane. I want to write a book- hence the journal. There are so many things that I want to tell people, but sometimes I think that they will never understand. But, even more than wanting to write a book, I want to figure out why I'm here, what my goal for this life is. This last year I've been living life without a purpose- with no plan and no meaning. And it's been one of the most crazy, confusing years of my life.

I think my main problem is that I have gotten away from God. Not just gotten away, but I've been running away. And every time God tries to say something, every time he tries to find me again, I start running all over. My relationship with God today is completely screwed up. It's like a friendship that has gone bad, but not just any friendship- THE friendship. The one thing that gives my life meaning and purpose. I blame God for so many things and sometimes when all I want is some reassurance that I'm not alone, those are the times that he's completely silent. 

For the past year I've been full of resentment and anger and blame. I thought that by ignoring God I could just get over it and be happy and forget about him, but I cant. I've never been more miserable in all my life, then in the last 8 months that I've tried to figure life out all on my own. I've tried everything that I know to do, and my life is still empty, still completely and totally pointless. So, this is my last-ditch effort. I guess it's some kind of a 30-day journey. Hopefully in the end I will have regained my friendship with God and I will have a whole new outlook on life. If not, well honestly I don't know where to go after that.

Im tired of looking at my friends and family, at pastors and teachers...taking what they say and trying to apply it to my life and being left confused and frustrated when it doesnt make sense. I'm going to the source of truth. I'm going to the Creator of truth. If He cant help me come up with answers then who can? I'm going to come out of this whole thing much stronger, with some much clearer answers.

There are just so many things going on right now, and I just feel overwhelmed. I feel unqualified to live life at the moment, like I can only 'fake' it for so much longer, and pretty soon its just all going to collapse. People are going to see who I really am, and right now that person is really unhappy, really hurt, really confused and ready to give up.

I'm not saying I run around acting fake all the time. Quite to the contrary. I'm just tired of acting like I've got it all together, like life is making sense to me and I know where I'm going cause I don't. I'm tired of the pressure, I'm tired of not being able to say 'i dont understand' 'i dont know' 'i dont believe'.

I talked to God today for the first time in 8 months. It wasnt a happy conversation, but it was a conversation. I guess that's a good thing? I told Him I was angry. I told Him I didnt understand why he would throw me into the circumstances he did. I told Him that a lot has happened to me that wasnt fair and I didnt know why he would just stand by and let it happen. I told him that I wanted to believe that he loved me, that he was there, that he was listening, but I couldn't, because it hurt. Because the God that I used to love and trust with everything I had- that God let me down. I said that I was hurting, and if he really cared he would do something about it. I said that I wanted things to be different, I wanted to be close to him again but things were so messed up now, I didn't know if it was possible.

I feel a lot happier already, even though I havent gotten any answers and I havent figured out anything. Just realizing that I dont have to understand everything, that it's okay to be confused, that it's okay to doubt God, and it's okay to wonder about life, and its okay to wonder if I have a purpose...it relieves so much pressure.

I dont know what's going to happen. I don't know if I will ever really trust in the God that I used to, the way I used to. I don't know if I will ever find a real purpose and meaning and direction for my life. I don't know. But I do know that the next 30 days are going to be spent giving it all that I have- all that I have left. Something has to change, I'm heading down a path and in a direction that I don't want to go. Time will tell."

Praise God :)

Refocusing

Mrs. Shelia Buff, 55 next week, lives in a decent sized little trailer down a long dusty road in Cochran, Ga. With the most cheerful, good ole’ southern accent you could think of, we were greeted with hugs and ’I’m soooo happy you guys are here! I can’t believe it!!’

When you walk into ‘Mrs Buffy’s" house you feel right at home, like you’ve gone to visit your own grandmother. Everything was extremely comfy/cozy, the kitchen was decorated in apple-themed things with a small table in the middle. Made from scratch chocolate-chip cookies were waiting for us. We sat down and ate and talked while she walked around mixing up what she was cooking for dinner. She began asking about all the different babies and staff members at Sonrise. She began to share “I didn’t know why God was leading me to come and work at a baby home, I could never have children, every time I just see a baby I start crying, but I knew the very minute that i heard the church was taking a trip that I was supposed to go.” 

She continued, “I was all excited about it till I got on that plane in ATL, then it all hit me, ‘Was it really God or did I just make this up?’ ‘Why a baby home? I can’t handle babies.’ ‘What have I gotten myself into. Oh well, only 9 days and then I never have to do this again.’” She said she continued to deal with all these different thoughts and feelings until they landed in Uganda and they got out of the plane. There is a very, very distinct smell in Uganda that can only be described as ‘Uganda’. I don’t know how to explain it, but when you step off that plane 1,000 things hit you at once. Mrs. Buffy described it as being able to ‘feel the country breathe’. At that time she said ‘Okay God, let’s do this.’

Sonrise has several college-aged Ugandans that volunteer full-time serving the baby home, helping with shopping, driving, cleaning, accounting, emailing, whatever needs to be done. These kids are truly remarkable, they work for free and they all have hearts of gold. They love these 37 children as if they were there own. Mrs Buffy said as soon as she was greeted by some of these volunteers, Aisha, Joseph, Jonathan and Ivan, God spoke to her heart and told her ‘They are why you’re here.’ For the next 7 days she loved on these volunteers, orphans themselves, pouring into them, encouraging them, listening to their stories and sharing her own. She cared for the caretakers. 

This is a great story, heartwarming in itself, but what I found more challenging was the life of Mrs. Buffy now. it has been 3 months since her team came back but Uganda is still very present on her mind and her heart. As she walked us to our bedroom where we would sleep that night, we passed a hallway covered in framed pictures of her time in Uganda.

Jonathan is one of the volunteers at Sonrise. An orphan himself, he grew up in Northern Uganda where the rebel army has been reaking havoc for the last 15-20 years. He saw several of his family members murdered in front of him, his own mother tried to kill him because she didnt want the rebels to capture him. He has since been trying to care for his remaining family, cousins, siblings, etc, and in his ‘extra’ time, volunteering at Sonrise. Mrs Buffy shared that she felt led to pay for Jonathan to go to university, about $3000 a year. Damali was ecstatic. "He works so hard and is such a good guy, no one ever thinks about helping him, I can’t believe it, he will be so happy!’

She told us she was going to be moving soon. Damali asked her why and she explained “Well, I’m selling my trailer and moving into a smaller apartment closer to town. I can save on rent, on gas, etc so I will be able to send more money over there and hopefully come back next year too. When I came back I realized that I could downsize a lot and come up with more money to give.”

I’m sure there is a lot more to Mrs Buffy’s story, but I hope from this brief portion you are as encouraged as I was.This week has been very long and tiring. We spoke 8 times in 8 days and travelled 1550 miles by car. I have taken a huge pay cut because of all the traveling. The stress and pressure of trying to make ends meet is weighing on me. The not getting to see my church family and losing touch with friends is discouraging to me. But I was quickly reminded why we do what we do, why every ounce of energy poured into this ministry at Sonrise is worth it. The gospel is being spread. The good news that Jesus came and we are set free to live a life of meaning and purpose and passion. God is changing lives. And not just lives in Uganda but lives here, in the local church. People are being inspired and encouraged and moved to action. We are on a mission field right here on the home front, with a very important mission.

So please, continue to join in on this mission through prayers and encouragement. God is doing big things through all of our combined efforts and through your prayers and support you guys are just as much a part of it as we are out on the road, up on the stage, or in the middle of the village.